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Learning To Sit With My Emotions

Posted Nov 22 2011 3:28pm
Hmmmm my blog looks funny today for some reason.  Hopefully everything is working though.  My computer at work has been acting kind of funny lately so who know if it's blogger or just my computer or maybe even something I did. 

Anyway, here I am.  Patience is not something I do well.  So it was really good that last Tuesday, less than 24 hours after I had wrote Dr. N a letter he called me.  He said the insurance companies wouldn't get it in their head that he was retired so he changed his number.  He joked and said it wasn't like "What about Bob (or Dawn)?" or anything like that lol.  It made me laugh.  For those that have never seen that movie it's about a patient, Bill Murray, that won't let his therapist be, Richard Dreyfuss and pretty much destroys his life.  Thankfully I'm not put in that category which is good to hear lol. 

So Wednesday I went and saw Dr. N and we had a good chat.  So many things I seem to forget practically the moment I leave his office but still plenty I remember.  I think the biggest thing being that sometimes we have to learn to sit with our emotions.  Not that this should be new to me or that I haven't heard that from him before but it really hit home with how I've been feeling lately. 

We talked about how I'm feeling a loss in areas too like Kevin being gone and now my girlfriend not talking (I finally called her last night) and even not being able to reach him.  It feels like abandonment or neglect to me which is what I felt often as a child.  In the past I turned to food to fill up that void when I had feelings of loneliness now I try to fill it up with people but its not always easy and sometimes as I limit myself to people they limit themselves to me as well.

I've come here to post like 4 times in the past week and never seem to finish my thoughts.  I'm struggling emotionally the past few weeks but surprisingly in the weight category I'm doing pretty well.  I think it's that I've been working out 5 to 6 days a week.  My weight at TOPS on Wednesday was 180.2 lbs.  I was hoping to be back below goal but was super happy to be back in leeway at least.  I was 178 this morning and I'm hoping to continue to stay in the 170's though I am nervous about Thanksgiving. 

As most of you know we go to Kentucky (we leave in the morning) and Mike's mom usually has lots of sweets and puts like 2 lbs of butter in Thanksgiving dinner lol.  So I have my work cut out for me.  But I'm looking forward to being away from work and the computer and just my regular routine.  Kentucky is so peaceful to me and I'm looking forward to my long morning walks with whoever wants to go with me and seeing the cows and horses and just being out in nature.  I love sitting on the porch too in the rocking chair with a cup of coffee and just enjoying the peace. 

I don't even know what I've talked about lately here and not ambitious enough to read back through but Kevin will be driving his new car to Kentucky and meeting us there for the holiday.  I'm hopeful that we will get in some quality time with each other and maybe a good long talk.  His last visit it seemed we spent plenty of time together but were pretty quiet.  I do miss him a lot especially in the evenings when it seemed so often it was just him and I up together. 

I think I'm going to see Dr. Nutter again after we are both back from Thanksgiving.  I'm not sure when he's suppose to arrive back but will call when I return.  I just think I need more shrinking these days lol.  I know I need to learn to be with myself and not need anything or anyone else to ease my loneliness/emptiness.  It's an issues I've had all my life and I know it's about loving myself fully.  The whole body image thing too I still need to work on. 

I've been visiting my local TOPS chapters to do my yearly area captain program and I must say that is helpful to me because it really does make me realize how far I've come.  I'm thankful for TOPS that's for sure.  It really did help change my life and I hope I can give some motivation and inspiration to others. 

Oh, I took a yoga class last week and it was ok :) Felt kind of good to be with others working out and not just on my own.  The teacher was foreign and had a great voice too, very soothing, it was just what I needed that day. 

Anyway, I'm doing ok just not feeling like talking much lately.  Hopefully my long weekend away will help boost me back up :) Hope everyone has a very Happy Thanksgiving. 

Thanks to everyone that commented so sweetly on my last post too I always appreciate you all so much.

Till next time...
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