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Keeping myself together. Or, at least TRYING to.

Posted Mar 01 2013 10:00am
I don’t know how to start this blog. Part of me doesn’t even want to write it. But then I remember that this is MY space. MY thoughts. I cannot be consumed with worrying about what anyone else will think or how anyone will judge me. I guess they can just laugh if they want.
I am scared. I feel incredibly depressed. Weak, worried, sad and anxious. And that’s WITH taking depression and anxiety meds! Can you imagine what it would be like without them? I can’t. I don’t want to.
I’m worried about the surgery. I have 2 little babies who need their mama, and there is risk associated with surgery. I know the risk is rare, but I cannot help but think about it. It fills me with fear.
I caved and weighed myself. And I didn’t like what I saw. This has obviously contributed to this particular funk. I don’t know why I just don’t learn. I was SO happy last week. Eating well, exercising, not weighing myself and I just felt freaking great. Stupid fucking numbers should not have the power to bring me down like this. What is wrong with me? I am LETTING IT get the best of me. Now here I am, digging myself out again. Digging out right before surgery, when I should be relishing in my accomplishments and feeling healthy and strong. I feel weak and cruddy. I probably wouldn’t feel so weak if I was able to get a really good sweat on. I am doing a variety of exercises today that I hope will not contribute to the sciatic stuff, plus some stretching that is good for it. I did some squats this morning and they felt good. I’ll do 50 100 today. I will do 50 100 wall pushups (since I’m at work). Tonight I plan on some yoga focused on core to help stabilize the leg situation. Today I am also concentrating on holding my core tight and sitting well. With the leg issue, my posture has been off, and now I have some lower back ache as well. I feel like I’m freaking falling apart. I am PRAYING I get my new brooks sneakers today. I ordered them and they are taking forever. The ones I’m in just have no support left.   Tomorrow I will go to the gym (classes at Bodyology are canceled) with hubby and do some TRX. I need to get a sweat on and feel some soreness in my muscles. The RIGHT kind of soreness. Bodyology, as long as I can feel my foot and I have no shooting pain, on Sunday. Lots of things to get done this weekend. We are doing a big basement clean up; making sure the house is in great shape. Groceries, church (Saturday and Sunday. A choir member’s sister passed from cancer and we are singing for her service on Saturday). Homework, packing a bag, or at least making a list, of what I will need in the hospital. Monday and Tuesday are crazy with work, school and committee. Then, Wednesday is the day.
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