Here in Michigan and I am sure in surrounding states, we had very nice spring weather on Friday and Saturday. We were very busy at the ice cream store. Any kind of warm weather brings EVERYBODY out. Although I enjoyed being busy, (my employees are on spring break for college, so it was just the hubby and I) I missed my kids. Friday, Jakob slept over at my SIL's house, and I picked up the baby at her house at 10 pm. Saturday my MIL watched both of the kids, and Sunday my other SIL watched Jakob and my MIL the baby. The warm weather brought out people, but I am once again reminded of how many freaks (anyone who works with the public can understand this comment) there are out there. I had a lot of them this weekend. From whole families that smelled like cat piss, to a man bringing his own silver spoon to eat his ice cream. Plus, we had a coupon drop in the paper and everyone had a friggin coupon. It was very busy for us.
Well now it is monday morning and I am finally going to spend some much needed time with my kids, and I am looking forward to a relaxing day with them. On busy days at the store, I am literally on my feet all day, only sitting down to pee. On Friday night, my feet and legs were burning. Before work on Saturday, I stopped and bought new Crocs for me and for Jakob. What a difference the new Crocs made. My feet are not even hurting this morning. I have often thought that if I didn't walk around as much as I do at the store, I would probably be fatter. I always think the store makes me somewhat active, but then after a weekend like this, on Monday's I don't want to do shit, so we will see what energy I have today. I know for sure I need to plan Jakob's birthday party. He wanted it at the city pool (its all inside and the have water slides and stuff) we did that last year, but they are all booked up for the month of April, and then some. He mentioned something about bowling. I will call around today.
So now I will get to my panic attack last night. I am not sure what triggered it or what caused it. I haven't really talked about these at all on my blog. I got my first panic attack before I had Adriana. It was mild, and I didn't think anything of it. It felt like I couldn't breathe. I do have asthma, (I had it even when I wasn't so fat) I am 100% sure that my asthma wouldn't be as bad as it is now if I lost weight. Anyways, at that time I thought that it was because I was 9 months pregnant and there was just no more room in my body, and I had a hard time breathing. The second one happened when I was in labor. I already had an epidural and anyone who has had this experience can understand that you get a numb feeling in your legs. They get extremely heavy and you are not allowed to get up and use the bathroom. The nurses will switch you from side to side so you don't get too numb on either side. I am not sure what exactley happened, but my parents were in the room, and anyone who knows my mother she is not a calm person, she was kind of making me more nervous, I actually at one point told her to "shoosh and be quiet", and she looked pretty pissed at me. Bob turned on the TV to calm me down and get my mind off of things and I remember Big Brother being on. All of a sudden I couldn't breathe, My whole chest was tightening up and there was an awful sensation in my chest, my heart started racing, I kept thinking "I can't breathe", my mom noticed right away and started freaking out saying, "she can't breathe, she can't breathe," Bob called a nurse. She listened to my heart and said I wasn't wheezing, I felt all hot and sweaty, my heart was pounding, I looked at the nurse and said" I feel trapped, like I can't breathe" I told her "I can't explain it" She looked at me straight in the eyes and said "You are fine, your BP is fine, your pulse is fine and you are not wheezing" I started to freak out more and started to panic, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe", I kept saying it in a low panicked tone. I need to get up and walk, and I can't, I am numb, and in labor. The nurse calls someone else to come in and help. They put an oxygen mask over my face. I then freak out even more, I felt even more clausterphopic, the nurse has the mask over my face. Just breathe, you are okay, I kept thinking, there is nothing wrong with me, I told her to take the mask off, I hated it. She then moved me over to my other side, of course she needs a lot of help, since I am as big as a whale and she is about the size of half of me. Bob helps her move me. Bob comes close to me and carresses my face and tells me that everything is okay, and I am fine, the baby is fine, I tell him to get my parents out of the room.
Adriana was about 3 weeks old and I completely forgot about that little "episode" I had in the hopsital. At the time, I thought I was having some sort of asthma related incident. I was driving home from work, and I was talking to my SIL tina on the phone. All of a sudden, panic came over me again. I was driving this time. I got all hot and sweaty, my heart started racing, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I made up some excuse on the phone, I didn't want to tell her what was really happening. I pulled over right away, I got out of my car and started walking around the car, the fresh air hitting my face. I kept saying over and over again in my head, I am allright, I will be okay. Yet, all I kept thinking was that I was going to have an heart attack. I stayed outside of my car for awhile. When the pounding in my chest calmed down, I got back in and went on home. This happened on and off for some while, but usually only when I was driving. Usually only when I was by myself. In Nov of 07, Bob and I had tickets for a red wings game in a suite, it was for work, and all the top franchisee's in michigan were going to be there, it was sort of a thank you for all the top perfoming stores, there were about 10 store owners there and some of the big wigs from the company. On the way to the game, it happened to me again on the freeway. It was one of the worst ones yet. This one was worse because I didn't want bob to know, I started stripping in the car, taking off my coat, my seat belt, rolling down my window, Bob thought I was getting car sick, I was just like "No, I can't breathe" He asked if I wanted to pull over, and I was like, no, just keep going because we were already late for the game. I didn't want to be any later. When we parked, I jumped out of the car as fast as I could. We started walking to the people mover and I started to feel so much better that I was out of the car. That following monday, I broke down and told my mom what had been happening. I have these issues about having a daughter because of my weight, I never wanted to have a daughter go through any of the things I have had to in my life, and in my mind it would have been so much easier to have a boy. I have tears streaming down my face right now as I am typing. Please forgive me, this might be long and may not make too much sense to all of you, but blogging has already been such a healing tool for me.
Please do not misunderstand me. I am just being honest. When I was pregnant this second time, I was hoping for a boy. Of course I was happy that it was a girl, but it scared me so much. The whole time I was pregnant, I told everyone it was a boy, I even named it in my head. I got all of jake's old clothes out and had them all ready.
When the doctor told me it was a girl, I was in complete and total shock. A girl? Are you sure? I watched them take her off of me, and weigh her and clean her up, and I was watching them in pure amazement. What just happened? My husband was crying, he was so happy, he couldn't of been any happier. I was just staring at her, she was crying, they pricked her foot, cleaned her off,put that goopy stuff in her eyes, she was this wonderful chubby glorious 9 pound 6 oz of pure angel. I had just witnessed a miracle and for some lucky reason God wanted her to be mine. He wanted me to be her mama. Besides my son, I have never seen such a beautiful baby. My husband left to go tell my parents the good news and he called his mom. I was all by myself with the dr and the nurses. I collapsed my head into my hands and just started sobbing. It was one of the greatest moments of my life. My whole body was shaking and I was sobbing. The nurse came over to see if I was okay, I said no, I was just so happy.
Well on the phone with my mom and that Monday in November, I broke down and started crying to my mom. If anyone really knew me, they would know, I am not a cryer and I put up strong walls. I told her that I was afraid of dying. I told her everything. I told her that I didn't want my daughter to look at me like a big fat failure, and to even look like me. I want her to look like my husbands side because they are so petite and small. I didn't want to die from a heart attack and leave Adriana or Jakob behind. I didn't want her to ever be embarrassed of me. Things were just falling out of my mouth, things that I was saying, were even surprising myself. My mom suffered from panic attacks her whole life, and she told me that was what I was having. She thought it might of been some form of post partum depression.
I told my husband that night what was happening and he told me that he didn't understand and I am sure alot of that was due to me not knowing how to explain it. I havent had an episode again, that was until last night.
I am not sure what happened. I want to say, part of it was that I have been doing so well on my new eating plan and been sticking to my own personal goals, that I haven't been panicking about anything. Yesterday was a whole different story. I woke up from an already long weekend, and started my period. I felt crampy, bloated, tired and not feeling myself at all. Normally periods to dont affect me at all, but things are different since having the baby. On my way to work, I already made up my mind that I wanted McDonalds breakfast. I gave in and ordered a biscuit, egg and cheese sandwich with hash browns and a non fat iced mocha. It was delicious. I chalked it all up to my period and just giving in to my bad mood. For lunch I had a healthy sandwich, and for dinner I had a big bowl of ice cream with hot fudge and whipped cream. It was a few hours after my ice cream and it was 1/2 left until I closed. I was by myself, my husband who worked double as hard as I did, I sent home to be with kids, since I knew that Monday I probably wont be coming in. I was decorating a cake, when bam! A panic Attack! my heart was beating fast I could feel it in my chest, I felt light headed, I couldn't breathe, then the wierdest thing of all, my mouth and lips got numb. I totally freaked out. I started shaking, I put the cake back into the freezer and went and locked all the outside doors, I shut off the lights and the open sign, and I went into the back room, we have a couch back there, I laid down on the couch. I could feel my heart speeding, pounding, anxiety and nervousness. I laid there still with my eyes closed breathing out my mouth and in through my nose. I seemed to calm myself down enough. I went out front and started to clean up. I had all these thoughts racing through my head, what was I panicking from? because I didn't eat healthy? Because I had ice cream? Part of me felt kind of jumpy all night because I was by myself, everytime someone walked in who looked kind of questionable, i turn my engagement ring around move the tip jar, look up at the survellience camera, i have been having a lot of thoughts of how someone could rob me. I have never in my life been scared of someone robbing me. I get all weird now and don't even go to my car at night if I see someone by my car. All of these thoughts keep racing, the most prominent one being: is this all because I ate bad things today?Is it really because of the hot fudge sundae.....All of a sudden I heard pounding on the window. I jumped! I never am a skiddish person. I looked over and saw some guy pounding on the glass pointing to the open sign (which was turned off) I could see his mouth moving saying "are you still open?" I shook my head no, I couldn't talk, my whole body feels weird, my face is numb and my chest is pounding even harder now because he scared the shit out of me. He still keeps pounding on the glass, he is trying to open the door. What the fuck is this guys deal? I have all the lights off, the sign is off and the door is locked, does he really think I am going to walk over to the counter and open it for some maniac who keeps pounding on my glass? Does he really need ice cream that bad? Then he walked over to the other side of the store where I have another open sign, this one is on, but it is always on because when my husband was fixing the radio he unplugged something else, which was this sign, and he hasn't gone back up there to fix it. So now the maniac is pointing at the other sign that is still on, and again he is pounding on the glass. Doesn't this freak know that he is just scarying me more and to leave already. My whole body is numb and I just want him to go away. I just walked into the back again and looked into the survellience monitor and waited for him to leave. When I drove home, i still felt a little panicky, I really cannot describe the feeling. I just wanted to get home, and I kept thinking that I didn't want to die. I kept talking to God to help me, just get me home so I can see my kids. I kept thinking.... why is this happening to me?
Almost from the moment when I pulled up in my driveway. I felt better. Once I got inside and my son ran into my arms yelling "Mama...!!" I was better. I did talk to Bob about what happened, and I told him I couldn't tell him on the phone because talking about the attack while its still going on makes it worse. I told him I closed early just in case maniac glass pounding guy calls him in the morning to complain about me. Bob doesn't really understand and I don't blame him because I don't really understand myself. He then said, the last time this happened to you, you were on your period. I can't remember. Maybe he might be on to something. I put my son to bed upstairs, and after he fell asleep I went back downstairs and into the kitchen, with out even thinking, I opened up the package of cookies on the counter and put one into my mouth. I took a bite. It tasted so good. I then looked at it. What am I doing? I don't really want this. I threw it in the garbage. Wow, I am such an emotional eater, it is almost scary. i walked back into the den, Bob was still on the computer, I put the DVR on Big Brother and lost myself in all the drama, before I knew it, I was fast asleep and bob was poking me to get up and go to bed.
Sorry for the long post, but I am feeling much better now, and thanks for reading. It means a lot to feel I have someone to "talk" to.