You know all of those things I was trying to avoid doing? Yeah, I did them all. Saturday night found me drunk, chasing a boy around a too crowded apartment for reasons I can’t remember, knocking over furniture and a plant, falling on the ground laughing while he cleaned it up, and eventually breaking down and crying.
No, I didn’t cry over the plant. I didn’t care about the plant. I thought that was damn funny. Despite the fact that I had been trying to stay sober until I had dealt with the emotions of the last few weeks I decided to have some wine with my family. That turned into two empty bottles shared between many and me looking for what other forms of libations were available. When I found the bottle of Hypnotic, I knew it was all over for me.
Then The Visitor arrived…
I never would have started drinking if I had known that he was coming. I didn’t want to lose control around him but it was too late.
When the festivities of the evening were done and everyone was going to sleep, I suddenly felt it all.
The combination of guilt, sorrow, emptiness, loss, confusion, and loneliness had finally surfaced and taken control. What earlier in the night had been laughter, drunken chases, and lively conversation dissolved into the feelings I had been hiding from myself.
So I cried. A snotty, swollen mess, I confessed everything I had been feeling and could finally breathe again. In the stairwell of my mom’s apartment, I cried so hard that I couldn’t breathe. Then I went back inside and asked the visitor if I could sleep close to him.
Falling asleep curled up against him I was finally honest with myself about my emotions. Who knew that simply sleeping next to someone could be so comforting? While I usually crave space and distance, perhaps the thing I actually need is closeness. Or therapy.
While I realized that I was authentically over him, it warmed my heart a little when I woke up in the middle of the night to feel his legs curled across mine. Waking up the next morning as he gently pulled away to get up I finally felt like myself again.
Through all the stages we’ve gone through, he’s seemed to be exactly what I needed at the time. Now he’s what I need more than anything; a friend.
While some might be disappointed to hear that things turned out this way, I’m not.
But this is not a romance blog and so we move on…
Sunday was the first time I felt like myself again and it showed. It also warranted a run. Clearly that was the logical thing to do.
I had forgotten that I had only eaten eggs and a piece of toast that day. Before running I tried to fuel with a small chicken breast and tomatoes, some sliced turkey, string cheese, and coconut water but it definitely wasn’t enough.
By the end of the day I probably netted under 1000 calories but still didn’t feel hungry.
In light of this, I’m opting to track all of my food in the next week because I doubt that I ate over 1000 calories on any given day in the last two weeks.
Long story short: Let's get this show back on the road, shall we?