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In a black hole

Posted Sep 24 2009 10:31pm
I really try hard to stay positive. I put on my happy face but today it's just not working. I know the "sun will come out tomorrow" but today I'm living in a black dark hole. Thankfully there's no haagendazs or donuts in my hole so I think I'll be ok.

Yesterday seemed the meltdown of all meltdowns in a long time. I actually started a post last night but then didn't want to confess to how ugly I was to Mike and Marie. I can't take all the blame, they were pretty ugly too.

It all makes me think how could I really handle something really bad happening in my life. I'd just be a puddle of mud on the floor. I mean I know the no bathroom thing isn't for life. I also know that I can go out and get a new vehicle. I also know I will get new renters and I will get below 200 EVENTUALLY. These are all just small things in the grand scheme of things.

But here I sit today in my black hole thinking man I'm weak. Why can't I deal with a little mess, a few problems in my life, for awhile. It's not even been a whole month yet and I'm already acting like I've been dealing with this for a year.

Mike and I went to bed mad at each other for the first time in a very long time. We both felt like crap and I keep wondering was I wrong for what I said. I'm not sure I was but I definitely could have gotten my point across in a healthier way.

As for how I handled Marie that was just plain crappy parenting to the max. I did apologize to her and tell her how much I love her and that I definitely need to work on dealing with things better. A whole family in meltdown mode just doesn't work well.

Today Kevin and Nicholas are home not feeling well. I think Kevin's just worn out too. He only had a half day today anyway so I think a break for him won't hurt. Hopefully they will have a decent day together.

I gave Kevin a lecture this morning about how he's been talking to Mike. I know he's doing a lot for us with the bathroom but it doesn't give him permission to talk to Mike like he has been. On the flip side of that though it doesn't give Mike the right to talk badly to Kevin either. We all definitely need a big turn around here. Especially right now with all we have to get done in the next several weeks.

Yesterday I was worn down and worn out, today I feel like I'm a train wreck. I know how to get out of the black hole though and I know how to bring the family back together. I just need to show kindness and love and get myself together.

Yesterday wasn't even a bad day. Now that the renters have a working toilet I was feeling a bit better. But the van really is on it's last leg and now the fan isn't working so I rode around all day with the windows down.

But it seemed Marie came home in a bad mood (which seems to be the case lately) so it put me in a bad mood right off. She did nap for about 30 mins which helped and then we headed off to Kevin's practice meet since I knew he wanted me to go. He came in 4 th. Mike came over too so he could watch and also to pick up Kevin and Nicholas. Marie and I headed next door to the pool for her swim lesson. She was so excited and happy.

Then we hustled home so Mike and I could get to TOPS in time. At TOPS I gained a lb so I'm at 201.6. It wasn't what I wanted to see but with the level of stress this week and 3 days of exercise instead of 5 and eating in maintenance amounts 3 out of 7 days I know why it happened. The meeting though was a good one. It was about staying strong and looking at goals for ourselves. For me, it was about staying the course and continuing to do what I've done for the past 25 months. I know I have the power within myself to get to wherever I want to be I just have to do it.

After we got home Kevin left with his girlfriend for dinner since it was her 18 th Birthday yesterday. I asked Mike to help the kids with their camp showers so I could make protein bars for us since we were out.

It all went to hell after that.

Anyway, today my goal is to be kind to every person I come in contact with especially Mike and the kids. It's also to be kind to myself by eating well and getting some exercise tonight.

Till tomorrow...
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