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I hate the yuckys

Posted Dec 02 2010 10:31am
I hate when I feel all moody, what is my deal. I'm guessing part of it is the 2.8 lbs I gained in the past two weeks. What the heck is my deal? Giving myself permission to eat whatever the heck I want is the deal. Why? That's the question I can't seem to answer. I do it again and again and again. In my mind I say I'm in maintenance but that seems to mean lose and gain the same 3-5 lbs over and over again.

Really though that is maintenance right? Well probably not for a real thin thinking person. But then again maybe it is. Since I'm new at this I really have no darn idea. Do thin people use food? Do they suffer from emotional eating that just allows them to gain and lose the same 5 lbs over and over again? Maybe I need to do a study lol. I don't think I've ever met ANY woman that hasn't wanted to lose 5-10 lbs even ones to me that look rail thin. I also have seen lots of thin women eating sweets and telling themselves it's bad.

The one thing I do know is I get sick of judging and comparing myself. I get sick of saying "you're bad bad bad" when I find myself cramming something not so good for me in my mouth. I do say that to myself almost every time I do it too. So deep down I think of myself as bad when I eat. I preach that it's ok to eat that stuff once in awhile though deep down I must not think it is. On the flip side of that I sure know I could have so many yummy things to eat without them being bad. I know of bloggers that indulge in yummy yummy things that are all whole foods just put together to create something yummy. So is it more the processed crap that I'm telling myself is bad bad bad? Maybe so.

Of course too then I always come back to is my weight good enough for me. Well it darn well should be, it's 200 less than what my highest weight was and that is darn great. Will 5-10 more lbs off me make me stop saying "your bad bad bad" when I eat something not so good for me? I seriously seriously doubt it. That is all about my own thoughts about using food. It's about feeling out of control at times and using food for I don't even know what half the time.

Like yesterday there I was eating chocolate (not from the candy bowl) telling myself I'm bad yet I kept doing it throughout the day. Was it about knowing I was up on the scale? How the heck does that make sense to eat more because my weight is up? Has nothing changed about me? Well of course things have changed or I wouldn't be able to stay this weight this past year. But it feels like a battle far to often. I just wish I could have peace with food. I get tired of food always being on my mind. Can that go away?

I hear about the intuitive eating and all that stuff and sometimes I feel like I just eat to live but still for me food has to be planned everyday from the first moment I wake up otherwise I feel out of control. I also find myself thinking about food a LOT.

Looking at the flip side of all this would I want to ever go back to the 350+ me? No way in hell. I have no desire to be that person again. I try to look back at that person and even back then I felt like a capable person (not at losing weight). So I don't think I've ever felt hopeless I just never felt like I could fix my issues with food. Here I sit 200 lbs lighter still wondering how to fix my issues with food. Some days I think this is just how it is and how it will always be. But maybe just maybe with more and more time going by I will conquer more issues within myself. I have hope of figuring it all out one day. I won't ever give up.

Maybe after surgery I will feel different too. I won't look in the mirror and see this deflated fat person. Sure I will have the scars but I won't have the loose skin hanging there to remind me of what I've done to myself. Then there is the guilt of even wanting the plastic surgery, of spending all that money. Is it being vain? I think part of it is. Then I think of the people that have lost as much or more weight than me and can't afford it. I do feel bad for them because I know the feelings that the loose skin gives me. I'm not saying having the loose skin is worse than having it filled with fat, no way. But still I just don't feel normal seeing it every day.

You know when I was in Kentucky I actually took my MIL in the bathroom and showed her everything. It was like I felt like I had to justify why I wanted the surgery. She had already said she would get it too before she even saw the loose skin but still it was like I felt like I had to prove it to her. Then my SIL asked would I start tanning or wearing different clothing. It was like her asking would I flaunt myself lol. It made me laugh and I told her I thought it would just make me more comfortable with myself but I didn't think it would make me be any different than I do now. But truthfully I do think it will make me want to dress nicer because I do think I will feel better about myself. I won't always be pulling on my clothes trying to hide my extra stuff.

What is this whole post about? I have no idea. I guess just getting out some thoughts and feelings I'm having lately. I just hate that some days I feel on top of the world and other days I feel like crawling in a hole with a 50 lb block of chocolate lol.

As for the TOPS meeting last night hardly anyone showed up. 3 other people besides Mike and I and one had to leave right after weigh-in. So I didn't even do my meeting on environment we just decided to have it next week. I feel like my TOPS group is falling apart again. I wish there was something I could do to help motivate them to come more. But I know it has to be them wanting to try to lose weight.

Till next time...
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