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I don't know what lessons I am supposed to be learning .....

Posted Nov 17 2012 12:00am
Tough day - sometimes I really wanna scream at the universe "just take all your medical drama and shove it".

I have been feeling amazing since my hysterectomy, best decision I ever made.  Back in April this year my life turned for the better.  I could finally work out without bleeding to death, no more constant cramping and bloating.  I have been celebrating my health by working out 6 times a week, and eating healthier than I have in my life.  I never want to take good health for granted again.

Today I had a routine mammogram.  In a split second that good health seemed to be in jeopardy again.  The radiologist found a lump, I knew it was there, it is under my breast I had assumed it was from wearing underwire bras.  She called the Doctor guy who reviews the scans .... he came in to talk to me, he wanted another 4 pictures.  Those 4 were so painful, holy smokes, the positions they don't get your boobs in!

After those he came back and said he wanted to do a stat ultrasound, I said ok I will book it, he said no today :(  I had been trying to stay really calm, and being thankful that they were being thorough, but now I was scared.

I had an hour to kill before the ultrasound, I phoned a friend and cried, I went shopping to divert myself and then went back.  A new guy doing the ultrasound told me the lump was 4 cms .. he kept going "mmhmm" "hummm" I wanted to scream at him to shut up ... I was starting to freak out inside.

I don't know what happens now.  I suppose I will hear from my Doctor on Monday,  I had a scare about 8 years ago, they drew fluid and it was just a lump no cancer.  I am totally convinced this is the same, it has to be ......

I have no history of cancer in my family, and my blood disorder is enough to contend with!

But at the end of the day I am scared ... I have some terrible scenarios in my head, I keep replacing them with happy thoughts and positive thoughts, but they creep back ... its going to be a nerve racking 48 hours and I have an assignment due on Tuesday, I can't focus, I have to focus ......
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