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Humps, Lumps, and Bumps

Posted Feb 04 2011 2:45pm
That sounds like a personal problem, doesn’t it?


There’s something strange that happens when you start to lose a massive amount of weight, your body shape actually changes. Duh, right? I know, I know, that’s the point. It shouldn’t come as any surprise but for some reason it does.

In theory, I certainly knew that I was going to get smaller. What I didn’t quite realize was going to happen was that, due to the uneven rate of shrinkage, certain parts of my body would start to bother me more. There are certain bits of pudge that I never really took notice of, but now make me scowl at them when I look in the mirror.

At the same time, some of the other areas that used to make me want to cry a little are now totally not an issue. Some days it almost feels like I’m looking in a funhouse mirror, or like I’m looking at someone else’s body that happens to have all of my scars. I suppose I ought to be grateful for those scars or I’d never be able to identify myself! Let's be honest, by now I love them anyway. Battle wounds.

Despite this shift, I seem to be more or less stuck with the pooch for a while. WTF is the pooch? It’s the lower belly fat. I really should draw you all a diagram with my nicknames for all the areas of my fat.

My mom thinks my “technical terms” are amusing…

The pooch used to just blend into the whole “fluffy” shape that was my torso, but now that a lot of the mass from my stomach is deflating, the pooch is becoming more and more noticeable. Sure, it’s shrinking too, but not at the same rate. It makes me half way reconsider my once “genius” idea to rig a vacuum cleaner to do at home lypo. Clearly that would be a safe and effective thing to try.

Actually, that idea isn’t original. I saw it on Tales from the Crypt and THAT didn’t end well. Come to think of it, nothing on that show ever did. Was anyone else’s child-psyche completely scarred by that show? I mean, that dude’s laugh alone… Plus he’s a perfect example of why moisturizer and good conditioner are essential. Yes, I was that vain even as a child.

Anyway, this pooch business really gets me down sometimes and you can only listen to Fat Bottom Girls so many times on repeat before your neighbor thinks knows there’s something wrong with you.

Yet, there is a serious plus in this whole “my body’s changing shape” thing. My upper body has never looked so good. The extra flub that sat on my sides and under my arms has shrunk so much that it no longer looks like I have wrap around boobs. You know, boobs that just plain connect into your back fat. Oh, and I appear to have a real live neck which is something I never even suspected.

Really there’s nothing that I can do about the pooch situation except for continuing to lose weight, do strength training, keep Fat Bottom Girls on repeat, and try to pay more attention to the positive changes than the negative ones… and never watch Tales from the Crypt EVER again.
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