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Had a tough go there for a bit

Posted Jan 16 2013 9:22pm
I told myself I wasn't going to talk about weight as much here but honestly when the weight isn't in a good place I'm not in a good place.  It's not so much about the number on the scale really as it is about what is going on inside myself.  When I'm treating myself well and taking care of myself well I feel well and of course when I'm not, I'm not.  

My trip to Baltimore was tough.  It had some good points but the not so good points seemed to weigh heavy on my mind and still are.  It makes me realize why I've distanced myself from everyone through the past 5 1/2 yrs.  But the fact is I can't continue to distance myself because my mother does need me. 

I went to lunch with my girlfriend.  It didn't start off the best with her.  It  really felt like she was in "punish Dawn" mode.  She wasn't mean but she had that distant way about her like she could care less if I was there or not. I let her lead the conversation and eventually things felt more comfortable.  We hadn't seen each other since April so I'm sure she was as nervous as I was.  After lunch she went to Old Navy with me so I could tell that she didn't mind being with me.  When she drove me back to my car I decided to just give her the 2 small gifts I had bought for her.  I had seen something in a little local shop a few weeks back and knew she would really like it, it was very her :) I could tell she really did like it and after we parted later in the day she texted me and told me she had a lovely lunch and that she really liked her gift.  

To think I invested so much of my thoughts and time in being anxious and worrying over nothing really.  It reminded me how much time I've spent in my anxiety and how not having had much lately I don't miss it.  

So after lunch I headed to my mom's.  What I found was pretty darn upsetting.  A house full of fruit flies and some of them were the size of regular flies, there were hundreds, maybe a thousand even.  It was so upsetting to me.  Her poor parrot (Rosey is about 15 yrs old) was living in a cage infested with them from a huge pile of molded, rotted food at the bottom of the cage.  I felt sick, repulsed, upset. I ended up spending the next few hours cleaning an old cage that was in my mom's shed and switching out cages.  Not an easy feat at all considering the cage hangs from the ceiling and is heavy and HUGE.  Then I went out and got fly strips to hang around to try and get rid of the ones that didn't leave with the cage.

Then I guess I didn't realize what my mother's tests the next day entailed.  But she had to prep herself by drinking 1/2 a gallon of yucky stuff to flush herself out.  I had plans of going to dinner with her and Angie but of course that wasn't going to happen since my mother couldn't eat 24 hours before the test.  So I spent the next 4 hours trying to get my mom to drink this stuff and her acting like she was 5.  Then my sister is on the phone yelling at me over her not drinking the stuff and telling me she better call the doctor then.  So I had my mom call and talk to the doctor to try to talk her into drinking more.  By 8pm I was mentally exhausted.

I felt bad but I made the decision to do what was best for me and told mom I wasn't sleeping at her house that I was going to my niece's to visit her and the baby. The doctor had told mom to continue trying to drink the stuff and continue going to the bathroom to clean herself out.  It all just felt to much like the old days of everyone making me feel guilty and trying to get me to do what they want.  

Going to my niece's was the best thing I could do for myself though.  Her, I and the baby went out to a local diner and had a late dinner.  It just felt good to hang out and try to talk about other things and spending some time with the baby.  I was grateful she had talked me into coming.  Her husband works nights so we got to go back to the house and just sit and talk.  It was a nice evening even though I was still feeling kind of guilty over leaving my mom.  

In the morning I got up, got ready and headed back to my mom's to take her to the hospital for her tests.  When I arrived there she was with a soda in her hand.  I'm like "what are you doing mom you're not allowed to have anything to eat or drink" and then she realized and said "I only had a sip" but then goes on to be upset with me for being upset with her.  Then she's full of anxiety and again I'm feeling guilty. 

We made it to the hospital though and thankfully she was cleaned out enough to get both tests.  They found 1 polyp which they removed and no internal bleeding.  So we still don't know what is causing her low blood counts or weight loss.  I'm hopeful she will start improving.  They have been giving her intravenous iron every few weeks.

When I got back home I was pretty mentally exhausted.  Then my sister calls and yells and hollers at me a few days later.  She seems to think I'm suppose to be responsible for my mom.  She wanted me to take over her finances, to come up there once a month to clean her house, etc.  It felt like when we were kids and she would bully me to get me to do what she wanted. It sure didn't feel good but I stood my ground with her and told her I would continue doing what I could for mom out of love.  That neither of us owed our parents anything and that anything we did for mom should be out of love and care.  Anyway, she wasn't happy I wasn't complying with what she wanted me to do.  I don't know that I will be able to have a relationship much with her if she feels she needs to talk to me that way.  I know it's all upsetting for her too but I was hoping we could be a team.  Through my time in Baltimore I never even saw her just had several not good conversations with her.

Then last week I was down and out with the flu from hell.  You would think it would have made me lose weight but not the case.  I gained 6 lbs in one week to a point I was feeling so out of control I was feeling scared.  I know part of it was my mom stuff and then the BFFM contest that I made the decision not to officially finish.  I posted my final stats but decided not to take pictures.  I'm not sure why because I do think there was at least a little bit of change (some more muscle definition in my upper body) I think it was in part that my team of "lovely lean ladies" had kind of fallen apart.  Only one of the ladies finished officially and then made a comment she was disappointed in the rest of us.  I don't know I just didn't feel a part of their team from almost day one.  

But there were old friends on the BFFM board that I knew from years back and they embraced me and brought me into their little fold and this week I'm feeling on top of the world.  I am making new goals for myself and I'm feeling confident I will reach them.

I am so happy I came in the top 3 for the biggest loser contest at the gym 
 I am thankful that my body is healthy and my body fat is down 12% and that I accomplished this by the start of the BFFM Summer challenge I am so grateful to be back to 178 lbs and able to say "I've lost 200 lbs" again and that I accomplished this by the start of the BFFM summer challenge I am happy to feel peace within myself from meditating daily and finding 20 mins a day to just be I'm glad I'm visiting 1 local TOPS chapter every month to help motivate people to be healthier and move their bodies on a regular basis I'm excited to have organized another local 5k Saturday April 13th, 2013 to help people in my local TOPS chapters of all ages realize that walking can change their lives I've trained well for my first full marathon by following my walking schedule ( I started at the beginning of the BFFM summer challenge I feel so accomplished and happy to have walked my first full marathon on Nov 10, 2013 What's important to me about reaching my goals? The word that comes to mind is CONSISTENCY. I think that's the biggest thing I want for myself, to find peace and balance, this is for life after all. To not let the scale rule my life but also not "fall off the wagon" whenever I feel the urge to eat poorly. To manage my food addiction on a moment by moment basis with continual healthy self talk. To find confidence within myself and stop being the fat woman in my head, to become the woman I know I can be. I also want to help motivate and inspire others to want change for themselves. I need to have a daily passion for my well being emotionally and physically. Walking a full marathon has been a dream since the day I walked out my front door and 15 mins down the road and back at 340+ lbs in July 2007.  Walking outside in nature brings me internal joy like nothing else and I want to share that with as many people as I can that don't think they can even walk 5 mins. Why is that important? I want to live a healthy happy life with Mike and the kids for years to come.  I want to be present in my life not checked out emotionally. I want to teach my children the happiness and benefit of health. I look forward to Mike and I traveling and hiking in remote places, taking our children and eventually our grand children and giving them the love of fitness and outdoors. I think my story can help others.That showing my support, giving motivation and trying to inspire others can help other people and their families live healthier lives. I need to set the bar higher for myself.  I need to have constant goals ahead of me to push towards. I need to have confidence in myself and realize sharing that confidence helps others find it in themselves as well. I need to stand tall with other people and know that my weight doesn't define who I am, that I am equal regardless of how much I weigh.  I need to have love for myself for who I am not the body I live in and with that love will come the body I desire because I will have worked for it and earned it through love, care and consistency.

So far this week I've done a few things to push me towards my goals.  Concerning the marathon I've contacted the race director and asked about the time and have learned that the marathon is definitely 8 hours for walkers and that the time keeper generally stays past the 8 hours and keeps the finish line open at least an additional 30 mins.  So I know that will give me the confidence to do this marathon knowing I will be able to finish with an actual time.  

Tonight's TOPS meeting was good too.  I'm hopefully helping to motivate my group with some new things for the year.  This week it's eating A-C grade foods.  It was a list I found online and though I don't agree with everything I think it's a good way for my chapter (and myself) to eat less processed foods this week.  I'm just feeling more motivated about so many things.

Also, still listening to "the power of now" and also "psycho-cybernetics" which talks about redefining our self image.  I really do realize that it still all goes back to that internal recording I have about myself.  Inside I'm still that fat woman not the woman I am now.  When I was working with Tara she talked about actually burying that woman for good.  I really couldn't grasp the concept but I think I am getting closer to the point of laying her to rest once and for all.  

Anyway, life is good, I'm doing my best to live in the "now" and today was a good day.

Till next time...
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