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Guilt Feelings and Gaining Too Much Weight: A Sad Tale

Posted Apr 18 2013 5:00am

I know you’re supposed to feel guilty after you eat too much, or eat unhealthily, or eat too many sweets or salty fattening snacks. But I feel guilty before I eat and that’s what makes me feed my face like there’s no tomorrow.

I’m one guilty woman, always have been and always will be. I felt guilty as a child, terribly guilty all the time. My parents just thought I was shy. They couldn’t see what was going on inside of me. I took from my little brother…and felt guilty. I stood up for myself with my big sister…and felt guilty. I never answered my parents back…and still felt guilty.

Adolescence was one big guilt-laden time. Smoking, drinking, eating, sex, not enough studying, switching friends, avoiding my parents, spending too much time in my room. Yes, adolescence was guilt, guilt, and more guilt. By then my parents got over thinking I was shy. They didn’t know what to think anymore. I was always wishing I could say how sorry I was for this and for that, but my parents didn’t hear my wishes.

Twenties: that was a time. College first and afterward starting to work. By then people had been taking advantage of the fact that I felt so guilty for a long time. In my early twenties is when I began to eat and eat, everything and anything. And, of course, I felt guilty about that too. But my point is that it was feeling guilty in the first place that propelled me into the eating frenzy that made me about seventy pounds more than I should be.

Two attitudes prevailed: one was to keep feeling guilty at bay any way I could, and that was primarily through eating; although I did do a lot of compulsive buying as well—clothes (coats mainly) and couches. Strange combination, I know, but there you have it. The other prevailing attitude was eff-it. I just didn’t care. If I was going to feel guilty anyway, I’ll just go ahead and do what I damn well please.

That's the long and short of it—my guilt feelings and how they made be get to be a really fat woman. That’s guilt before, not after. Guilt after is something all women have. Guilt before is my own personal recipe for self-destruction.

 

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