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Full of anxiety

Posted Jan 09 2010 8:25pm
I feel like I know why I've had anxiety all day but it really doesn't help knowing. I have so much on my mind these days that my mind and insides seem to be racing. Today was worse I think because I was so hopeful about the guy coming to see the cottage today. I kept thinking he was the one. But I could tell that he had already decided on another place before he even came to see ours.

Such is life I know but not having a renter always stresses me out. I know we will eventually get one but the waiting and showing and talking about it just seems so endless. Tomorrow I will re-list my ad and drop the price. I really don't think it's about the price though but more that it doesn't have a washer and dryer and for the type person we want in there it seems to be a must. With us doing so much work over there this time ($1700+) we just couldn't afford to totally redo the bathroom which is what it would take to fit a stackable in there. So that will have to wait till next time.

I spent several hours today over at the cottage straightening up, sweeping and moping the floors, cleaning off the porches and tending to some of the details. If you can believe it the other day when I went to clean the bathroom sink over there it was leaking water all over the floor. So Kevin and Mike spent today going back and forth to Lowes trying to get the right parts to fix that. It just seems never ending. They also did a few other things that needed done over there. I just want a new renter. I feel like all I've done all day is pray about it. It's clear I'm not really turning it over to God though. I need to work on that.

Then I have so much on my mind about Kevin and him finishing high school in just a few months. We need to figure out all the details for college, where the money will come from, etc. It's a lot to think about and do. I think his best bet would be trying to find a summer job on the naval base here and going to school in the evenings. It will be a super full schedule for him but I also think him making his own money will be good for him. He can start saving for a car of his own, etc. I just hope he can hold it together till then. I talked about all the things he needs to start working on NOW. I feel like he has put it all off way to long and now it's getting to the critical stage. I want him to do the leg work himself.

Then it seems that all progress on the bathroom has stopped. Our cabinets are still at the Amish guys house and we still have no walls. I talked to Mike today and he just has to get his butt in gear. I feel like Kevin is ready and willing to work but Mike wants to just sit around on the weekends again. I know it's a lot of work for them still to do but they have to get to it. We can't have our bathroom like that forever. So I'm hopeful tomorrow they will make some progress.

One sunny moment today came when I came back over from the cottage and sweet little Nicholas had clean the house all by himself. He had actually done a good job too. He really wanted my co-worker to come over tonight and play Xbox with him. So I called but couldn't reach him. Nicholas was bummed but I still let him play some Xbox since he had done so much without being asked. I kept thanking him for all his hard work. It felt good having the house clean without me doing all the work.

Another thing that has me upset lately is that my sweet little Samma girl (my 16 yr old cat) is not doing well. It's clear she's nearing the end. She wants to be with me all the time. She's in my lap right now sleeping while I type this. She's so bone thin, her little eyes are all weepy and she just smells like death. When I lost my dear sweet Tinker (she was 17) 4 yrs ago it broke my heart.

Samma
came with Mike 14 yrs ago but she's always been my cat. I will miss her terribly and it's hard for me to see her so frail and weak. I think though she will just quietly go in her sleep. I don't know how long she has left but I plan on loving her as much as I can between now and then.

I should have went to the gym tonight but after working over at the cottage I came home cooked my protein bars and dinner and I decided on a hot bath instead. I will go to the gym tomorrow though because the way I'm feeling I just need it. I am thankful though that today I didn't feel like eating the house. Funny how the blahs makes me want to eat but anxiety doesn't seem to drive me to it like it use to.

I fixed myself a big pot of tea today and have been drinking that which has been comforting to me. I've also been eating clementines like crazy. They really have been a staple for me lately. I will miss them when they are gone. I have Marie and Mike hooked on them too.

I keep sitting here watching Samma breath. Typing that makes me cry. I remember when Tinker got close to the end it was the same way, worried they would just stop breathing in my lap.

I'm sorry this is such a depressing post tonight. I'm hopeful tomorrow will be a better, brighter day.

Till next time...
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