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Feeling High Anxiety

Posted Dec 19 2009 10:42pm
Well the past few days have been very high anxiety days for me. Friday was a good day but I knew it was suppose to start snowing and I was knowing in my heart I probably wouldn't be able to go to my niece's wedding today but I really kept hoping. I got every one's clothes all ready so I would be prepared just in case.

It started snowing about 6 or so last night though so I was pretty sure going far wasn't going to happen today. I kept hearing a foot of snow was coming. So my anxiety started last night. I just felt myself wanting to eat and I obliged my emotions. I ended up eating 2280 calories yesterday.

Today I woke up, looked outside and knew I wasn't going up the road. I called and left a msg for my niece saying I wouldn't be coming to the wedding and how sorry I was. I knew my sister and other nephew weren't going either. So that left no family members going. I know for my niece it's just about getting married so hopefully it all went well for her today. I never did hear from her though I had told her she could call me back to talk. I feel the disconnect between us and it makes me sad I couldn't be there to support her today. But it just was what it was. Hopefully I might still get to see her at some point soon.

I did something I wouldn't have thought I would do I called my sister to talk. She actually made me feel better about the whole situation. Maybe there is a future of us getting back to being sisters again who can actually call and talk and give advice and comfort to each other. I do miss my sisters.

So after I got up I found myself wanting to eat. I decided I didn't care what the weather was like I was going to the gym today. I knew it was what I needed for myself to get rid of the anxiety. I knew if I didn't go I would eat and eat all day with no relief from the terrible internal anxiety. So I got dressed made myself a protein shake and was getting ready to head out to clean off the van and hope I could get out of the driveway.

Mike said he should go and walk on the treadmill too. He had went to the gym on Thursday with me and said he wants to get back to going with me every time. So it was really nice having him driving to the gym. The roads weren't very good at all and it made me feel that I had definitely done the right thing by not going up the road today. We saw 2 accidents with people going over the median. But we made it safely to the gym. We also stopped at the grocery store next door and picked up a few things. The grocery was crowded but the gym wasn't. I put in a hour of weight training and a hour of cardio. It felt terrific.

Riding back home it was just amazing to me. I felt SOOO calm. I felt bone tired but the calm I felt inside was amazing. It really made me realize just how much I've changed. Goodness I hope I can keep this thought process the rest of my life. I hope I can always choice the healthy path to relieving my anxiety over pints of ice cream.

Last night Mike and I went to Lowes and FINALLY we found a tree. Everything was 50% off (for real) and we got an ok looking 7' artificial tree. But what really excited me is I got an outside tree that was already decorated for our porch that is in a big decorative pot for just $35, it was originally $118. I told the woman that marked it down for me that she made my night.

Tonight Mike put our new tree up and the kids and I decorated it. It's a bit of a leaning tower of Pisa but it looks nice. We also have our outside tree in here because of all the snow we got lol. So I went from no trees to two *smile*. It definitely feels more Christmasy in here. Tomorrow I'll put some more decorations around and I need to get a pine scented candle at some point because Nicholas informed me that he needed some pine smell to go with the artificial tree.

I made some cookies for the kids tonight too and I didn't eat any. It was a good victory for me. I've learned to just make enough for everyone to have 3-4 cookies that way they are gone in minutes so I don't have to worry about leftovers staring me in the face.

I must have done something to my back at the gym today. I think it happened during the floor exercises or maybe I slept funny last night. Anyway, I'm not in good shape. I took some Motrin and I'm hoping tomorrow it will feel better.

Food has been good today. I've actually eaten low calories which makes up for yesterday. I made yummy chicken burritos tonight for dinner with a ton of peppers and onions and black beans. I think tomorrow I will make my big pot of soup and my protein bars though I'm wondering if I'll even have work on Monday. I think there is about a foot of snow outside now.

Well I've rambled enough. I had a nap tonight that's what I'm doing up at 3 in the morning.

Till tomorrow...
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