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Posted Oct 05 2012 2:33am

The good news is, I have more good days than bad days.

The bad news is, today was a no good, very bad day.

There are several things that can set me off on a downward spiral. It is not anyone's fault, and I am very careful not to hold any of it against anyone. These are my own struggles I am dealing with.

It all started last night, when my cycle started all by itself for the first time since I was 18. (We started having to put me on birth control to start it, before then I would go months, even a year without it. And when we started fertility stuff I had to get a shot to start it every month.) So needless to say, I was so excited that it started all by itself. I finally felt progress coming along! Like my body is finally going to start cooperating. Also, this week marks one year since we started this infertility journey.

I was so anxious to call my doctor this morning to set up this month's appointment, I called the second I woke up. However, my excitement was met with the information that my doctor is out of town and won't be back in time for me to do my treatment this month. (It has to be done within a certain number of days). I instantly started crying on the phone. I could not get over the fact that this would mean that I will be spending a whole month not making one inch of progress, and it broke my heart.

After about an hour of crying, and moping around, I finally went on with my day. I went to work, then went to dance practice with my little sister. I'm dancing on the football field with her on Saturday, Lord help me.

But about an hour after dinner with my mom, brother, and sisters, I lost it completely. I had a full panic attack in the car, met with chest pains and dizziness. I haven't had one in so long, but I guess I carried on my brave face far too long and I just lost it. I finally pulled myself together, but after I got home, Charles called and I just lost it all over again.

I don't know why it continues to be this hard after a year. I think I am just to a point of complete emotional exhaustion that I can't even stand it any more.

My intention of this blog of mine was not to bring people down, or be constantly depressing. But I also can't keep pretending that it isn't as bad as it is. And frankly, I don't think people are open about infertility, and so it feels like a really lonely place to be.

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