This was the view outside my door this morning at 7:30AM:
Uh…this is the first day of spring, right?
Seeing how Mother Nature had a bit of set back makes me feel slightly better about my own. Its hard for me to write about this, because frankly – I’m a bit embarrassed. I’ve basically been eating whatever I want since last Wednesday. Its almost comical, the number of times I’ve started and stopped a healthy eating plan.
I’m trying to work through this latest slip up, wondering why I feel the need to eat crap. Part of it, I think, is the lack of sleep. Little Boy is approaching 5 months this week (can you believe it?), and he still wakes up every 3 to 4 hours to eat at night, so I’m feeding him at 11PM, around 2AM, and around 5AM. I’m exhausted. Even though the hubby brings the baby to me in bed and I nurse him there, my sleep is interrupted. So during the day I’m seeking energy in any way possible. But the overeating and sugary foods aren’t working, obviously.
The lack of sleep is only part of the problem, I think. The rest of it, I’m still trying to figure out. You’d think after YEARS and YEARS of this struggle I would have all the answers. But no – I’m still wading through murky waters.
One bright spot in all this – I’ve noticed that I haven’t put myself down in quite a while, which is a huge step for me! I think it even shows in my face:
I suffered from low self-esteem for many, many years. It started when I was pretty young, and was definitely tied into my body image. Being slightly chubby in grade school led to going on my first diet at age 12, which led to a belief that I must not be a good person if my thighs were thick. Over time my self-esteem fell into the gutter, holding me back from pursuing certain dreams and from being my true self. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to at least overcome my own inner voice to pursue certain goals, such as promotions at work and starting my own business, but I was still incredibly sensitive to what people thought of me.
Lately, though – I’ve been feeling pretty good about myself. Maybe it’s my age (*cough* less than 2 years from 40! *cough*), maybe it’s because I’m a mom, I’m not sure. But I’m definitely more confident and – dare I say – happy with who I am. So even though I recognize that I need to change my behavior, I haven’t made this latest diet setback a reflection on me as a person.
Major positive steps here, people!
So hang with me, because if you all know me at all, then you know that I will never give up, NEVA! I just need to find my mojo…I know I left it around here somewhere….