I have never apologized for my weight. I've felt downtrodden and embarrassed by the caricature I've made out of this body God gave me, but I don't apologize to anyone for the bulk of it. I haven't even apologized to myself, and I did this to me. However, I have determined that feeling bad in a self pity-party is doing nothing but dragging me further down the weight gain canal of misery.
" Enough of that crap!" I told myself a couple weeks ago. Something woke up in me, a light came on per se, and I realized I’m tired. Yes, physically tired in my current state, but what I referred to is another kind of tired.
I'm tired of feeling crappy; riddled with headaches and achy joints from garbage food expanded by additives and un-food items, which are poisoning my body, and filling it with retained water and excess fat.
I'm tired of looking in the mirror being unable to see the woman I know is beneath the bulky, blubbery coat I’ve draped her with. She’s been reflected in my mind’s eye, but who in the world knows what she really looks like. This is one thing I’ve truly noticed about those who’ve lost extreme amounts of weight. They look like totally different people. Their skin glows in a warm even tone rather than the fatty, pale skin with blotches of red and blue, and their smile is free from the fatty face that wouldn’t let it truly shine in the first place, because their features were being paralyzed by the excess weight.
" Enough of that crap! ” So, last Tuesday I started all over again – fall off a bike you get back on and keep peddling. This time there is a new determination. I am seriously tracking the food I eat and what it contains, Plus, I’m seriously paying attention to the difference between hunger, emotion and exhaustion, the latter two often disguising themselves as hunger that leads to overeating.
Now that deserves a moment of silence.
Again, emotion and being tired have been telling me my body is hungry. Exhaustion can so easily be solved – GO TO BED! - still not so good with that obvious solution. Emotion can be battered by facing it instead of turning my back on it, letting it batter me into submission of taking what I don’t hunger for, and that hasn't always been just about food. There will be no more mental attacks on myself either if I can avoid it.
I won’t apologize for what I’ve done to myself, not to another person anyway, that’s between me and the Lord above, but I will work at improving me for the betterment of myself and those around me.
Now, in lieu of the Christmas presents that money was suppose to buy, tomorrow we will be baking cookies and banana bread with items we have on hand, and making some homemade dry pasta mixes to give as gifts.