Today was an especially long day, so I titled the different chapters, for your skimming purposes.
START OF DAY
I woke up today in a positive, but calm mood.
I know that today is going to be VERY long and VERY emotional…with LOTS of driving.
Hubby made me a rice and broccoli bowl with fried bologna…it was very sweet of him.
(Fried meat and rice is like a religion to Filipinos…hehe)
DRIVE TO ORANGE COUNTY
First order of the day was to drive to the OC with the dogs, to see the Karaoke Gang.
Max hates being in the car, he gets car sick…so we stopped often to let him get out and stretch his legs and stuff.
Leo on the other hand acts like he’s on crack in the car! He’s SO excited! At all times!
I got to spend some real quality time with Hubby in the car…I surprised him with a new karaoke version of “Under the Sea” on the iPod. That’s his favorite song. =)
And then he introduced a new game where we went through the alphabet naming animals for each letter.
He won A, I won B through E, and then he started kicking my ass! By the time we got to V, I knew he had won…
My secret weapon was my Dog Encyclopedia…but it was no match against his Fish Index….there are a Hell of a lot more fish than dogs! But it was fun anyway!
When Q came up, he said Quail, and I couldn’t think of a single other animal…but either could he! For next time I’ve come up with “Quarter Horse” and “Queensland Heeler.”
There were positive, loving vibes the entire trip today…I felt very close to Hubby…which is nice when it happens.
DEN OF THE KARAOKE GANG
We arrived in OC, I overate some white rice (sugar rush), and fried shrimp (See? More fried meat), and we spent some time saying Happy Birthday to his Godson. Also, Chiva and Pavarti were there. =)
I kind of kept to myself, and whipped out the construction paper and crayons I had brought…I was getting more and more upset because I know that Simi Valley and my dying Godfather are the next stop.
My Mother-in-Law asked me what I was doing, and I fell apart.
It was a little embarrassing. I was trying to create a page that told my Godfather what he meant to me, for the book that is being put together at his party.
My Mother-in-Law was actually very compassionate, and tried to comfort me…I guess Hubby’s parents aren’t completely evil…just mortified that I “ruined their son by turning him gay.”
Wow. I turned him gay? I must be good at this whole gay thing…apparently I have super powers now. =P
MY GODFATHER’S HOUSE IN SIMI VALLEY
I was still a mess when we left for our long trip up to Simi Valley, so Hubby drove.
We arrived and parked down the street from the house, and I was pretty shut down. I just wasn’t ready to be in a party mood…
But as we’re walking up the street to the house (at the top of a cul-de-sac), I look behind me, and there’s a dog playing in a yard, half a block down.
I spun on my heels and headed straight for the dog. Hubby was like, “Where are you going?”
A minute later, I was chatting with the owner of the dog, and petting my new friend, and getting some doggy love. I must have spent 5 minutes there just charging up my battery…I love dogs for how they can do that!
And then I saw my Godfather.
He seems okay I guess…but he is very tired now. The radiation and chemo are taking a toll. Plus, he’s 75 now…
I felt so yucky from the long drive, I went upstairs and changed into my party clothes and freshened up…anything to get away from the party people.
When I finally did come back down, I needed to cope somehow…
And how convenient! A Buffet!
Super sugary meatballs in a bbq kind of sauce
Mini turkey sandwiches with lots of mayonnaise
Chocolate chip cookies
Cheese soufflé casserole with strawberry jam
Bowls of M&M’s sitting around…
The only thing missing were more Fudge Rounds.
Hubby was kind about my obvious bingeing…I guess he figured I all ready knew what I was doing. And he was right.
My Godfather was sitting away from the party, in the living room…and 2-3 people at a time would come and spend 5 minutes or so with him throughout the event.
I tried to tell him, during our 5 minutes, everything he’s meant to me…and he said that he was amazed at how I seem to be typical of the people in his life who value him.
He pointed out a prestigious lifetime achievement award and other honors, and the more than 100 people who came to the party to see him…
It was interesting. I thought we’d get all teary…but instead he was just marveling at how lucky he was.
It was as if he were saying, “I’m ready to die, if that’s what is in the cards…I’m luckier than anyone I know for all the love in my life.”
I didn’t really have anything to say to him after that. I guess he all ready knew what I wanted to say.
So, before I left, I worked on the book that everyone was making for him.
Hubby cut out the letters of my Godfather’s name from construction paper, and I worked on filling the page with all that I wanted him to know.
I put it all down in there…I suppose that’s closure, right?
DOWN MEMORY LANE IN L.A.
Then came the drive back to OC to pick up the dogs.
On the way, we drove through LA, and Hubby showed me his old house, his old school…all the places where he remembers growing up.
I felt very close to him, seeing all of his childhood memories.
And we took a picture of Hubby under a tree that he planted when it was only 12 inches high, and is now over 30 feet high!
It was a beautiful thing, really. And a once in a lifetime experience.
And then, I called my parents and got the address of the apartments where MY first memories of growing up were….and it was only 3 blocks from Hubby’s childhood home!
And boy was my old apartment crap! NOT a good neighborhood.
And to tell the truth I was disappointed, because it’s not really like I remembered it…
Also, we had to do the entire experience twice, because I had taken pictures, told Hubby about my memories, got back on the freeway and realized the address was wrong! So, we went BACK, found the right one, and retook the pictures. =( Embarassing!
But hell, I’m glad I got these emotional experiences out of the way and done with.
PSYCHOANALYSIS AND PURPOSE OF THE BLOG
I’ve thought about those first apartments of mine for a long time now…years…I think I’m the kind of person who hangs onto things.
Like, the other day when I was talking about the fudge rounds, I felt like I was back in that Jr. Hell schoolyard. I remembered the cliques, and how I didn’t have one.
I remembered when I actually approached the theatre clique and was welcome to observe, but not really participate.
I thought to myself that past experiences either build up confidence, or teach a person why they’re NOT cool. A person carries those lessons around with them the rest of their life unless they’re addressed and relearned.
That’s what this whole process is about, this whole weight loss journey.
That’s why my blog is so weird, and why I talk about almost everything except what my weight loss “plan” is….
Because my weight is just a side effect of how I’m living my life, and how I feel about myself.
I overeat because I have lagged behind in the lessons on how to properly deal with, face up to, accept and hang tough through all of my negative emotions.
And if I haven’t learned how to handle the negative emotions, that means I never really learned my lessons…so I haven’t really grown up!
I’d like to say that in some ways I’m around 23, mentally…and that when it comes to my eating addiction, I’m right around 19 right now. Those are both better than they used to be, though.
The 23 year old in me is just learning how to start supporting himself, how to begin to take responsibility for things, and is recognizing the consequences of his actions.
The 19 year old addict in me has a lot of enthusiasm, and is getting a lot of knowledge about how to change…but is still flighty, temperamental, and waffles back and forth between playing the “I’m all grown up now, Mom” card, and the “Someone save me, I’m still a kid!” card.
That’s what this entire journey is about. That’s why I’m so thankful that I have this blog to go through everything with.
Just the writing, itself, is a channel of change for me.
I get to challenge all of my old beliefs about myself, and finally express all of the emotions that keep me overeating again and again and again…
Thank you for being here with me. =)
FISH TANK SAGA
We finally made it back home to San Diego, and boy was it a long drive…
The first thing that happened was that Hubby had to deal with his secondary fishtank going through some cataclysmic chemical event!
All his fish are either dead or dying.
He was very upset.
But I felt good that I was able to catch the little baby fish that Hubby couldn’t get to.
We transferred all the survivors over to the other, bigger and healthier tank…
Just more thinking about life and death…as if I need to think MORE about that today.
A LOVELY FIGHT
Well, anyway, the loss of his fishtank got Hubby in a mood, so the fighting started.
He just vented about money stress, and how I’m not doing enough…he got really negative and “martyish”…but I can’t honestly say that I blame him very much.
I wanted to leave, but I just sat there and took it. I weighed it out, and talked about both sides.
For example, I should make more money, on the other hand, my business IS building, I have a temporary spa job now that should help, and things are moving in the right direction.
I went through all of his points, step by step, analyzing them and talking frankly about what I’m doing, and how I can or can’t help more.
He seemed quite appreciative that I was able to listen objectively to him…I really do feel bad that I’m not more successful yet.
But then I told him that even though I agree with many of his points, I have to choose positivity for myself. I have to believe I can do it, let his vent flow right off my back, and keep going.
I talked about being in relapse this week, and how I’m not taking care of myself at all…well, a big part of that is because of having a bad attitude about myself.
It’s about much more than money or jobs…I have to believe in myself…I have to get to work…I have to keep going until I make it! In all areas: Health, Money, Behavior, Emotional Health….I need to be healthy.
So while I do agree with him here and there, and see his points, I can’t THINK about myself that way…or I’ll never move from where I am, and I’ll only get worse.
If I think of myself as some loser, then I’ll only lose everything in my life that’s important to me…including him.
He totally agreed, apologized for his negativity (did hell just freeze over?), and we moved on! =)
But after such a positive day, it was still a rough way to end the day.
The rest of the night was just about Zuma, and I was in bed around 1am.
But that pep talk I gave to Hubby about what I have to do for myself…my experience with beating myself up this week…and the obvious weight gain I’ve gone through…they have all lit a fire under my butt.
So, before I went to bed I came up with a plan for tomorrow.
Tomorrow I’m going to:
Commit to go to the gym.
Shop for my healthy food (Hubby says he’ll pay for it.)
Call my Food Support Group friend on time
Get back on track…one lost week is quite long enough, thank you very much.