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DAY 46: …he’s mourning me before I’ve even left.

Posted Mar 12 2010 1:11am

1236p

I was out of it this morning. I just couldn’t get my eyes to open…..woozy!  I slept in, but I slept WELL. I can breathe finally!

I had a pretty chill morning and then I went over to the spa to train with Mr. Opportunity. Breakfast was fine, and I did some snuggles with my puppies….ahhh…I love me some puppies!

My new ad came out today….wish me luck! It has a picture! That’s gotta get people to call now….damn it!

After training with Mr. Opportunity (none of it Rocket Science, and it’s starting to sink in after a few days now.) I came home, watched “Tinkerbell: The Lost Treasure” and took a nap.

Wow. Rough day.                                   

I guess I should also mention that I was hacking, coughing, swooning and falling all over the place…I was REALLY dizzy today, although my lungs are feeling SO much better! I was medicated pretty heavily.

Before I went out for my spa training, I ended up taking:

  1. My prednisone
  2. A cough drop because my throat was really sore
  3. Used the nettipot up my nose
  4. Used the medicated nasal spray
  5. Took 4 fish oil caplets
  6. 2 multivitamins
  7. Had a puff on my inhaler
  8. And got a shot of Dayquil in me right before I left

Yeah. I felt a lot better after all of that. =) I was almost human.

I woke from my nap at 6pm, and had a good long talk with my Food Issues Group friend. I told him all of my concerns about not wanting to go to anymore meetings. In a nutshell, my arguments were:

  • It seems the problem for us may not be all chemical; it’s more stunted emotional growth; we’re children.
  • I’ve found my grit; I don’t procrastinate anymore.
  • I’ve grown up. My problem is largely solved.
  • I don’t find anyone there at my own level or higher to learn from or be inspired by.
  • In fact, I feel more in danger of being dragged down.
  • I don’t react to stimulus the same way anymore.
  • I got through my binge with flying colors…and it felt more like a choice instead of a drive.
  • I’ve improved all around, and I don’t identify with those whiny babies in those rooms anymore…

I realized how dangerous these thoughts and feelings could be for someone with food issues, like me. The group has helped me SO much….but what if I’ve outgrown it?

I don’t want to be stupid and think I have solved everything permanently…but at the same time, I feel proper credit is due to the immense accomplishments I’ve had. Hmm…

My friend seemed to understand and said that to continue growing I need to be uncomfortable, so go to the meetings, and stay humble. Learn from the principles; pray for the rest of the members I feel aren’t going to make it this time around.

Anyway, it was a good conversation.

Next I tackled the house and gave it a really good scrub down. =) Hubby appreciated it.

The night was about making one more calorie counted, healthy meal; while Hubby made a gourmet “Julia Child Cheese Soufflé” and a “Tomato Bisque” (bitch.)

I actually ended up having a couple of bites. No perfection, right? 2 bites isn’t going to damn me to hell…and I won’t be going into the trashcan for the rest of it. Sigh…those days are over. =)

Billy came over for some food, and we went to the spa and chatted.

There is still an immense sadness within my marriage, and I really hope it improves. Hubby has every reason to be optimistic and happy…but maybe he’s just tired of hoping.

It’s like instead of being optimistic, he’s only telling himself that he’s been stupid for long enough…I don’t know where he is.

I just know that he’s not in the same room with me…even when he says he’s right there. No. He’s far, far away…divorced, figuring out his next battle plan…

The more I hold him, the more alone he seems…he’s mourning me before I’ve even left.

And I’m trying to resuscitate a zombie.

Well…I gave my “I will survive” speech to Billy in the spa…he’s heard it, but it was nice to say it out loud again.

And it was nice to see Billy so completely gaga over someone…he’s still going pitter pat like mad…it’s sweet.

I’m going to write him song lyrics regarding his new situation. He wants to create something.

Speaking of which, I need to write the lyrics for my Godfather too. But the task seems so big, so insurmountable. I haven’t found the proper hook yet…the real core of it.

So far I’ve brainstormed all of his behaviors and how stable he is…but nothing that really communicate HOW that stability affected me yet…hmm…

Well, it’s 1am. I have an early morning work out (I’m gonna just go for it, and see how I do.), and I have a massage for Billy after that, and then I’ll drive him to school and then continue to recoup. Tomorrow is a “light” workout, so I won’t be eating first, just going straight to the gym!

Speaking of which, I haven’t done ANY cardio this week. I have 2 hours, total to do for the week…so three more days to get it in…if I can.

So tomorrow is about a busy morning, 2 OA meetings, and cardio. We’ll see how much of it I can get through…and I’ll be kind to myself. This week may not be the biggest weight loss week, but I will take care of myself first.

Tomorrow evening is just ” Top of the Park.” As far as I know, I’m going alone…but we’ll see how that works out. I’m going to bundle up this time, and bring double the stack of cards I did last time.

Why not? Go for it, Baby!

Night.

And thanks for spending some time with me.

Jayson.

PS. I heard Hubby coughing downstairs…uh oh….I guess it’s his turn to be sick now. =(


Filed under: Fitness , gay , san diego , weight loss Tagged: Fitness , gay , san diego , weight loss
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