DAY 4: Part One, Emotional Discussion About the Purpose of this Blog.
Posted Jan 29 2010 12:00am
Please go to “Part Two of Day Four”, for todays Health Reporting!
I am totally bummed at this exact moment. I just got off the phone with a friend who is concerned about me and this blog. On one hand, they recognize that it is worth trying, and has certainly seemed to help right now, but he pointed out that there is a big trap. He’s concerned that I’m turning this into “The Jayson Show”, and he cautions that success based on pride or wanting to appear a certain way to other people, of needing to feel special, are doomed to fail in the end.
He feels that reliance in others is not where the main source of my strength should come, and in the end, it doesn’t matter if people like me, or read my blog…I need to succeed because I’m sick of where I am and commit to change. Free of ego.
I feel really bummed, because I value and respect his opinion, and I look to him as a role model, because he has what I want, and he’s almost always guided me down the right path. I am not sure that I agree with him, and I hope that I am right that his concern is just overprotective of me. I want to state my intentions for this blog, and talk about what my purpose is in it, and all of the positive things its doing for me.
That said, now that I am aware of his concern, I will be better prepared should he turn out to be correct.
These are the positive things I get from this blog (all ready in these 4 short days)
I don’t feel alone anymore. There are others out there who are going through the exact same thing I am.
I feel connected to others. I imagine that others like me might read what I have to say, and they won’t feel alone either.
I’m accountable because I write all my thoughts/feelings. Food addiction is about secrets/isolation, this seems a good remedy.
I see my life differently now: I have a wonderful life and sharing it is a joy.
Awareness of thoughts/feelings. In the past, I’d go numb/blank, and not think at all…for days! As long as I had the food coming.
I have been flying so high because I feel like I’ve made a public commitment. I feel as if I have thrown down the gauntlet, and challenged myself. And just the act of believing in myself enough to do that has changed how I see myself. I’m not the person who is going to stop anymore. I am going to make this year. I am not going to eat sugar. I am going to care for myself. These are the things that I have committed to doing.
I feel fellowship with the world, and with others who are on this same journey, and I feel that the enthusiasm for this journey we’re all on only gets bigger when we share it with others.
And when my concerned friend says that the way I’m talking makes the blog seem more like entertainment than a healthy plan, I have to admit that I haven’t seen it that way. I think that I am a very entertaining person, but not because I’m hamming it up, but just because I am entertaining to people.
This blog is not about entertainment, it is about truth and commitment. The truth comes in saying whatever I need to say, censorship be damned. I put a humiliating picture of myself at 265 pounds on here in my first blog because I needed to put the truth out there. When I am that heavy, I hide myself in clothes, and I don’t want to be seen; I only want to avoid reality.
I feel that the entertainment of the blog will come naturally because I’m a fascinating person, and I love myself. But to think that I only want to appear as some sort of pseudo celebrity is not a thought that I had.
I wrote about this exact topic a couple of days ago. Either yesterday or the day before. I wrote that we all want to be heard, and we all want to be special. We want our stories to be heard. We want people to see who we are and accept us. But how can anyone see us if we don’t show them who we are? We all feel like we are damaged and broken. But we’re not. There’s nothing about us that’s broken. We’re not dimished. There are only things about us that need to be accepted, and discovered; understood and loved.
That’s been my philosophy for several years: It is a paraphrase of something that Rhonda Britten (author of Fearless Living) said on the therapy show “Starting Over.” And it really affected me, because I changed in the moment I heard her say it. So while my friend sees my blog as too attention grabbing, and fears that my ego will lead me back into a food binge, I created the binge because I recognize that I am a beautiful, special person, and I need to share myself with others in order to be seen for who I am.
If people don’t read my blog, I will be a little sad, but I’ve sent it to the people who matter; my emotional anchors. And that other people discover it is a happy coincidence. A woman left a comment today about how cool she thought I am (I left one on her blog about children needing to be active and healthy), and I thought that was great. Today at the grocery store I had my first feeling of “I need more food! Binge now!”, and I thought to myself “Nope, I can’t let that lady down. She said I was awesome, and she believes in me, and I believe in me. I am not alone, and I will get past this feeling!”
My friend saw that as proof that my ego was too involved, and that I am doing this whole program for ego or to be entertaining. Why should I care what she thinks of me? Why do I need her approval?
But I saw it the opposite way. I saw this blog, and that woman’s comment as the awesome community that reminds me that I’m not alone. It may have been a pat on the back, but I don’t see anything wrong with that. When I’m standing on a rooftop in my underwear, screaming my lungs out, with a gallon of Ben & Jerry’s under each arm, I’m going to be just as honest about that experience as I am about anything else. There’s no ego for appearance sake here. A year is a long time (especially for me), and I have no doubt that I will have my horrible moments. SOMEONE is going to die in 2010. My 17 year old dog among them, almost guaranteed.
I find great comfort in this blog as a tool that will give me just a little more encouragement, and just one more valid reason to keep going, to keep trying and to keep on believing in myself no matter what. I have made a HUGE committment. It was scary to do, and I’m both impressed and intimidated by this journey I’ve embarked on. But for right now, it’s only been a blessing.
I feel like an entire cheer squad is behind me, and like I’ve finally come clean about who I am, and what this disease of food addiction has done to me. It’s wonderful.
But like I said, if I start to sugar coat things, or get suicidal that my readership is low, I’ll watch out for that trap. Thanks, friend, for having my back.