Today has been like heaven, if heaven were free. I mean, movies, polite husband, friends, happiness, dogs, food shopping & beautiful rain!
No money made today, no calls about my ad, no lessening of the stress which is coming on the first of the month when I’ll be up shit creek…but a nice Sunday anyway. =)
This morning I sat down and typed up my blog notes from the night before…and I put off doing Jillian #3 as long as possible. Eventually I went down and did it. Oy vey…I’m on day 28, which means that when I wake up it will be Day 29.
Day 29 is important for a couple of reasons. First of all, it’s a “Weigh-In” day, so I am a little bit apprehensive about that. But Day 29 is also one day away from Day 30. So tomorrow is all about planning what I am going to do on Day 31, and making a plan of attack.
Day 30 is a bitch. The only good thing about it will be that it is the last day of Jillian #3. I will be moving into other, more comprehensive workouts after the first 30 days. And I will also be doing Cardio & Weights only 5 days a week/each, instead of 6 or 7.
But Day 30 isn’t difficult because of a routine change. Oh no…it’s much more insidious than that. Day 30 is a milestone.
Day 30 is a marker that says “Do this 11 more times, and you’ll reach your goal.” Day 30 says, “You’ve made it an entire month, you’ve graduated. Time to slow down buddy, you deserve it.”
Day 30 has always been awful, no matter what I have done, it’s been a sense of letting myself down that moves into my brain. Day 30 has traditionally been the end of me.
Of course, I haven’t blogged about Day 30 before…and now I have that tool, which I DO believe will make all the difference.
On Dr. Oz the other day, there was a guy who lost over 100 pounds, and he talked about how he blogs every day to help his weight loss. He says that the blog keeps him accountable for his recovery, and it has helped him a lot, and has given him a lot of support from other people.
It was amazing. I heard myself right there, on National Television. Dr. Oz asked if he’d be willing to blog for Dr. Oz.com. I haven’t looked for him yet, but it was great to see him at the end of his journey talking about blogging. If it worked for him, it can work for me!
I’m not jealous! Shut up….jealous…what-ev-er!
Well, like I said, today was a great day. I hung out with best friend Billy…he’s going through kidney stones….so he’s on a LOT of Vicadin. Wee! We went grocery shopping, and he also wanted to go to Costco. So, I ended up going grocery shopping at Costco.
I’ll repeat myself: I went grocery shopping at Costco! AHH!!!!
It was cool. I mean, BOY did I get a lot of oranges, and celery, and carrots, and tomatoes, and apples, and a thing of Cottage cheese that is as big as my HEAD! LOL….I spent less than usual, and really did well…
I want to write about how overboard I feel, and how out of control I am…and then I want to talk about how all of this baking that Hubby is doing is driving me crazy, because he’s making all this white bread and biscuits and stuff.
But I can’t write something that isn’t true.
I’m shocked, I’m worried, I’m concerned and confused…but I’m not having a hard time with all of this food. I feel fine. I feel…dare I say? Normal.
I don’t want the warm, white bread rolls that Hubby toasted in the oven today and then put butter all over. It’s even my favorite bread (one of them) called “Pan de sol”; it’s Filipino bread.
And all of the food in my refrigerator gives me a nice feeling because I know I’m set for a while, but I don’t want to dive nose first into all of the good stuff…I’m not having my normal fantasies about bingeing on all the food I bought today.
It feels like I am cringing, bent over, because I’ve just been shot at point blank range…but then I realize I’m not dead, so I stand up, and start looking for bullet holes…but there are none.
Another gunshot, and Ah! But then again, I stand up, smooth out my shirt, and think “What the hell?” Either this dude is a lousy shot, or I’m suddenly bullet proof?
My emotions are evened out, I have constant energy (mostly), I am losing weight, sleeping well, not sweating for no reason, becoming a little “loosened up” all around, and smiling a lot.
I’m scared mentally, that I’m not emotionally scared at all….not even of the fact that I’m not mentally scared really, I just have to say I am, because I’m aware of this immense oddity that is my relative saneness.
I know I’ve done an awful job capturing this feeling I’m having, but it’s very important for me to try. My entire identity, in the past, has hinged on my addicted behavior, and my emotional swings. To be without my old crutches is a miracle to me, and yet not unexpected.
I have been in “food recovery” before. I know that whatever I’m doing to myself chemically, by eating the right things in the right amounts (No white flour, sugar, red meat, poultry, egg yolks or processed foods (except some soy products), always works.
But it has never been so easy.
And that brings me back to Day 30. This is the gate at which whatever system I’m using at the moment fails. Day 30, in the past, would be where I say “Enough of this restricted eating crap! I want peanut butter jelly waffle sandwiches and mayonnaise/ketchup/cheese white rice bowls topped with burnt ground beef by the pound!”
And yes, that made my mouth water. But only the thought of foods like that are attractive. The emotional memory is what is still pulling at me here and there. If it were in front of me, I feel like my body would say, “Hmm…smells good. I don’t need it though, thanks anyway. I feel amazing without that crap.”
Oh, I saw the movie “Frost/Nixon” tonight. It was pretty good. It’s raining outside, so I just looked at the clock while I was watching the movie, and I jogged in place for 30 minutes in front of the TV. It was amazing because the first 10 minutes went by so slowly! But then the next 5 minutes went faster.
After 15 minutes, getting to 20 minutes was only 5 minutes away, and then I only had 10 minutes left! That’s 2/3rds done! And the next 8 minutes just flew by like nothing! Those last 2 minutes were the slowest 2 minutes of my life though…isn’t that amazing?
There’s something in quantum mechanics that would explain that I’m sure.
Well, I don’t want to stop typing, because if I do, I have to face going to bed at some point, and that will only lead to waking up tomorrow morning, which I don’t want to do because that will only lead to more worry, stress, and another tough workout that I’m becoming testy about.
But I suppose I must do what I must do. Thanks for allowing me to rant and vent on here.
And for once my ranting wasn’t about my marriage! Imagine that!
Well…perhaps I’ll go crazy after Day 30, and stir up a whole bunch of drama in my life…but let’s hope not. I don’t need it or want it.
The doggies are doing well…Max keeps having accidents on the carpet. He doesn’t want to climb up the stairs anymore…he’s visibly slowed down yet again…I may be doing a lot more writing on here soon, if he dies or worse yet, is put down.
Hubby thinks that if his back legs go, we should put him down…(lump in throat.) That’s a whole other topic to be avoided until the last possible moment, I suppose. I’m certainly not going to deal with it right now…just putting it out there.
Anything else to say about today? Oh…well, I guess I should chat about my perceived week of weight loss. I think I did pretty good. I’m feeling slimmer every day. I wish I was at my goal all ready, but that’s nothing new.
I feel like I’ve lost weight, and I’m guessing 3-4 pounds perhaps. I’d be absolutely thrilled with 6 or more. I never know how to slim down the hours before my weigh in. Should I drink less water? More water? Not eat for 12 hours before weigh in? Exercise harder?
Well…I went with the moderate approach today. I simply did my Jillian, ate my calories (up til 7p), and did moderate cardio. I figure that any genuine weight loss will reflect over the weeks anyway.
The only weird thing about today was my 2 hour nap after breakfast. I’m not sure what caused it…I was just out like a light, and felt groggy and awful for several hours afterwar……..ds……….I KNOW WHAT DID IT! I took a Zyrtec! That’s what did it! It has to be! I took that allergy pill, and 20 minutes later I HAD to sleep!
How weird! I never noticed that throw me before…but I’ve been all pure and pristine for almost a month now, no pills or additives, etc., so no wonder! Hmm…okay, that’s a good thing to realize about medication and me.