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DAY 26: While holding up my invisible skirt!

Posted Feb 19 2010 12:00am

1050p

Today was a nice day. I woke up at 1030a, and that’s always a nice way to start, and then I marched on over to the living room and did Jillian #3. I’m feelin pretty good about this workout now. I even did that scissor abs exercise (flutterkick) justice today! It’s nice to sweat first thing in the morning.

Though I’m still feeling sad and stressed about money. And marriage. Money and marriage. Those are popular topics to feel sad about.

I wish there were easy answers, or at least a thorough support system, and indoctrinated relationship training in school age children; that way by the time we all grow up and get into relationships, we’d all have the same training. Anyone with me on that one?

Breakfast was good. I don’t remember what I had, but these 1701 calories feels like I just eat all day long. Every week my calorie goal goes down, and every week it still seems like plenty of food. Cool.

One more time for those of you who are just popping in, here’s the formula from “The Biggest Loser”: Your Weight x 7 calories= Your Daily intake goal. Weigh once a week.

Throughout the afternoon I had a general sense of lethargy, hopelessness and depression. Wee. I need business, but as I said yesterday, I’m pretty intimidated by the actions in front of me, and the huge amount of energy it’s going to take to get started.

Starting a business is like launching into space…you have to have a LOT of energy to break the Earth’s gravitational field…most of the time you just get dragged screaming back to Earth where your hair lights on fire from the friction and you plummet to your violent splattering death onto a large rock or something.

Once you actually break through the atmosphere and do all the foot work, then you can use less energy to stay in orbit, where you want to be. Just keep it going is all you need to do at that point. Well, I’m still trying to figure out which rocket will get me up there…where people are paying for massages in this economy.

Did I mention how amazing my work is? As soon as I get my hands on people, I win…but how do I do that?

Well, I didn’t want to think about it today, so I walked the dogs. They loved it. Especially Max, who rarely has the energy to get out anymore. I love that dog. It was a pretty day. We just walked down at the dog run, and then followed the plants around the parking lot, peeing on everything in sight.

My ears wanted to listen to sad, romantic, pretty music to accompany my melancholy…and I indulged it. Then I cried for a while. Are my chemicals changing? Am I just buckling under life’s stress? Was it just time to cry? Is there cognitive behavioral work I can do? Eh.

I allowed myself to cry, and it was fine. It’s been a long time since I’ve cried. It takes a lot of energy to be positive all the time. In any case, it felt good, and I didn’t push happy on myself today, so it’s been a calm day, but a positive one all around.

I saw Richard Simmons on Dr. Oz today. He’s half inspirational and half embarrassing.

The good half is that he’s a hyper active gay guy who put his special brand of sparkle on the workout world, and has helped millions of people to lose weight.

The embarrassing half is that he’s a balding, obnoxious, saggy, effeminate, flaming stereotype, wearing “sparkly grandma” shirts with oily chest hair.

Well, bless his heart, I’m glad he’s still relevant to some people. I just can’t wait for the new breed of gay to get mainstream attention. And it’s not Jack McFarland.

So I’m looking forward to the weekend. Hubby and me are going to hang out with a friend tomorrow. Probably have lunch…I don’t know how that’s going to work with my calories. I’ll probably pack all of my food. I pretty much don’t care if I ever eat in a restaurant again.

Now that I understand that most plates served at a restaurant have massive calorie loads, I just prefer to eat the little bit of food allotted to me.

It’s like, if I can have as much food as I want I don’t enjoy it and it hurts me. But if I have a weight loss calorie goal, my meals stretch out all day, and I feel full and wonderful all day. Crazy, huh?

Did I all ready say how emotionally yucky today was? The two thoughts in my head were Gotta work/Gotta produce. Gotta work/Gotta produce. Boy do I feel stuck. Whatever magic answer I thought advertising would be turned out wrong.

Here are some thoughts on that:

  • I have only had my ad run one time so far. It SHOULD eventually pick up a little!
  • With the exception of one other ad on that page, the other 7 ads have faces showing. Maybe I SHOULD add a head shot into my ad…I hate going there, but maybe it would make my future clients more comfortable?
  • The world is ending, just shoot me now! I’m a failure!
  • (That last thought isn’t very productive, is it?)

I had a phone chat with Mom today. She’s concerned about my marriage. Her motto is that I need to stick like glue and work things out no matter what.

I say this at great risk that I’m going to forget I wrote this and my parents will one day find out about this blog and read the next line….

It is an opinion shared by some of those closest, myself included, that my parents should have got a divorce a long time ago.

Their relationship appears very unhealthy, and their bad habits have only grown worse with their isolating themselves from life.

Over the years, Mom is acting increasingly manipulative, abusive and victimized, and Dad is acting like an enabling, depressed doormat.

I only say that, because it is with this perspective that I have to take any advice my Mom gives me about my marriage with a very large grain of salt.

Maybe I should ask my sister if she’s forwarded the link to my blog to my parents….I hope not. Nothing hurts so much as something that is true ya know. 

It’s only my intention to be truthful, not hurtful.

So, the advice my Mom gave me was roughly this:

“Shut up, stop talking, give him more sex, don’t give up on him even if he gives up on you, he deserves to be a little abusive towards you considering what you’ve put him through, you’ve worn him out, have pity on him and tough it out all ready, no matter what it costs you.”

I’m sure you can imagine what I thought of that.

But this is what I said:

 “I’m trying, I will continue to try, and to be reasonable, and to show a great deal of respect and compassion…he IS a wonderful man, with a lot of great qualities, and I LOVE those about him! However I need some improvement and some basics from him, and I’ll leave if I have to, although it also appears things may be improving…which is a good thing.”

She was absolutely flabbergasted that I am “willing” to leave to keep myself emotionally healthy, if need be. She kept asking me who would pay for stuff like rent. I guess she sees Hubby as my meal ticket. (Or at least recognizes that he has been in a lot of ways. Again, thank you Hubby.)

I told her that I would find a way to support myself if I needed to, and that all I’m asking for is respect, manners & recognition. I want our relationship to grow in a positive way! I’m ready for that to change! And when Mom said that all he needs is to see the action, and to witness me changing for the better…I agreed. I hope that he starts to see that change in me. =)

I told her I’m changing for the better, and that this change is more important than staying stuck in abusive patterns, (abusive to Hubby and especially to myself.)

Well…anyway…it was an interesting conversation.

8p came, and I went out to exercise for an hour; 30 minutes for yesterday, and 30 minutes for today. Leo was begging to go…I didn’t want to tire him out, but he kept insisting….okay Leo, you asked for it! The walk was cool, the jogging was moderate, but the music was awesome!

I listened to classical music the whole time. It was refreshing, different, and felt fun. Some of those songs make you move FAST!

At one point the “Can Can” came on! That was an interesting 3 minutes of exercise as I alternated between jumping around kicking my legs and screaming “Yeow!” and hopping down the sidewalk on one leg, twirling my leg at the knee…while holding up my invisible skirt!

I was laughing VERY hard at the end of that song and felt absolutely ridiculous! What a release! LOL!

Leo looked at me in a rather concerned way…

And No! It was dark and late, so NOBODY pointed and laughed at me this time! (That I know of)

We also got back to the condo just in time, because it started to sprinkle. I LOVE the rain. I love nature, and especially trees! But the one thing I love more than nature, rain or trees is walking IN nature, UNDER a tree WHILE it’s Raining!

I never pretended to be anything but the dork I am. Sue me.

Well, Hubby seems in okay spirits, and he’s being polite to me tonight. He’s going through that religious thing where you eat a McFish Sandwich every Friday for a while, and then you go to New Orleans and flash your breasts at people at the end of it.

Oh, and the taxes just got done tonight! Wee! (That was a bitch; thank goodness I’ve started a new filing system for this year!)

Oh, and Hubby did all the work on that…yup, he does a lot of the things I”m awful at. Right now he’s printing up the entire congressional library…I’m not sure why…but these tax forms are a BILLION pages long!

Night for now, I’m going to go attempt to have some sex, just like my Momma told me. (Weeeiirrrdd!!)

Jayson!

PS. I am feeling VERY slender today! I still can’t see my genitalia without sucking in my stomach…but I’m getting there. =)

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