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DAY 15: I WILL SURVIVE

Posted Feb 09 2010 12:00am

 

10a

 Good morning!

 Official results for Week 2:

251 lbs (-2 lbs)

32.2% fat (+.1%)

47.5” waist (-1”)

1757 calories: new daily goal

 I did cardio 8 times (1 extra), worked out 7 days and I also blogged every single day!

 The only thing I didn’t do was my autobiographical writing…Which is just a choice at this point. It seems I’m more interested in my current life than digging up my past life, and that’s okay for now.

So how do I feel about this morning’s results? I feel surprised by them, but not ashamed. I worked very hard, and even on “The Biggest Loser”, where they work out 6-8 hours a day, they have weeks like this. I know that I lost an inch in the waist, and that my big weight loss in week one is often mainly water loss.

So….eh, I can breathe. I’m disappointed, but it hasn’t thrown me off track. I have every confidence that by sticking to my reduced calories, following the 30 day shred with Jillian, and doing an additional 30 minutes of cardio every day, I’m going to be in good shape. The number on the scale doesn’t add up to how I’ve been waking up every morning feeling skinnier and skinnier. It may only be an inch around the waist, but it feels like a huge difference to ME. =) I’m going to get there. I’m definitely going to get there… And breathe……aahhh…..

I wonder if my printer is working, it’s been funky lately, and I want to print out a new results sheet for me to check off every day. Well, I’ll check in later  ya’ll. I am going to go do Jillian #2, shower, get breakfast, walk dogs, clean house, and go to the magazine office to officially put my ad in the paper!!! =) It comes out on Thursday! Ciao!

5p

I forgot to write about doing the “Wii EA Active” last night for my last chance workout! It was pretty fun. It’s a little bit frustrating, because there is a leg strap that keeps popping off (of my giant, muscle, Adonis like legs, of course), and also my knees didn’t like some of the jumping squat stuff…that was some of the best workout part, but if I can’t do it, I can’t do it.

So today was a really, really big day for me! I spent some time on the phone, the internet, printed, signed, scanned, re-emailed, and got all 4 separate contracts over to the GLT, and committed to 7 months of advertising for $165 a month! It’s not a bad deal…everyone that I’ve talked to (I called them from their advertisements) said that it works really well! I’ll have one ad in there on the professionals page starting on Thursday, (that’s the one I pay for), the next week I get a slightly smaller one for free, then I give coupons to my business to pay for the 3rd week (good deal, because that’ll just get more people to come in!), and the fourth week I don’t have any advertising!

I’m scared outta my mind! Scared, but excited, and thinking “Holy shit! I am really committed to this now! The money is coming out of my bank account every month, if it’s there or not! I’m IN this to win it! (Ala Hillary)”

Doing the math on it is cool though….it’ll only take 26 massages, TOTAL, to pay for 7 months of advertising…so if I get over 26 massage clients out of this, then I’ll have made a really good investment! =) Plus, the 3 weeks out of the month message will be quite repetitive, and should be effective!

My mistake came today when I wanted to share this excitement with Hubby. I know how stressed he is about money. I know that I don’t contribute much, and haven’t contributed anything (essentially), for the last 2 months or so. I feel awful.

So, here I am, taking a great big risk, a step that could pay off and give me my living (It only takes about 40 massages a month to make a VERY good living for me! If I can get 20 regulars, and the rest are just new from word of mouth, or see my ad, or whatever…I mean, the possibility is great here.), and Hubby decides to be negative about it.

First he freaks out about the 7 months….I explained about repeating the exposure, and how advertising works. Then I said “Look, this investment is what is necessary to make my business grow. This is the gamble that could pay off with me working a lot more, and giving you $1000 a month now, and pretty easily!” And as dismissively as he could, he says “uh HUH.”

That’s it. I lost it.

As I change, and as I see myself in a different light, I need those who love and support me to see me differently as well. I took a great big, wonderful, brave step today. I wasn’t supported. I told him he had failed in supporting me, cussed at him and hung up. Smooth move, Jayson.

Here I am, 30, and I’m hanging up like a teenager. But that was the last straw. I’m believing in myself, and that’s what I want to focus on. Look at what I’ve accomplished: -14 lbs. in two weeks, ad in a great big magazine, a deal with an office for my business, doing my own laundry (hey, that’s big for me), working out, eating right, constantly aware and trying to be kind (not always succeeding), and various other things. Oh yeah, forgot to mention the job interview tomorrow morning to work at an upscale spa part time with a mentor of mine (there’s MORE money, Hubby!)

I know what I deserve. I wrote about it last night, in my last blog. I know what I want. I know that I’m worth it, and I deserve some Godamn respect. I’m pissed, and I don’t have to take this shit! So, I’m leaving him.

For a couple of days anyway. I called a friend, and I’ll be sleeping there over the next 3-4 nights. I’ll come back to the house after Hubby has left for work, and be gone by the time he gets home. I’ll take care of the dogs, do the stuff I need to do to take care of myself, but we need a breather. Just a quick break, ya know? Maybe we can talk this weekend.

How sad it will be to get a divorce just as I’m becoming financially independent, and learning about being strong and believing in myself. I WANT my Hubby to be affectionate and proud of me. I WANT my Hubby to show me basic respect: give me eye contact (he doesn’t, it’s an Asian thing I guess), acknowledge when I speak to him, tell me what he needs/how he feels (he goes emotionally mute with regularity), and to be supportive. That means you think about something nice that’s true, and you say it. Generally to the other person.

So, the next 3 days of blogs will be amidst this whole debacle. And you know what? Life is throwing stuff at me, just like I dared it to. So, bring it on! You wanna see if I can care for myself while going through divorce? You wanna see if I can continue to work out even if my heart is breaking? Do your worst. I’m gonna win. =)

Okay, I’m going to go listen to some Gloria Gaynor now, and I’ll check in tomorrow. Oh, btw, I’m doing my EA Active right now for my 30 minutes of cardio! Wish me luck on my job interview tomorrow morning…because I’m not going to be here in the morning, I’ll just go for a jog around the neighborhood that I’m gonna be in, and then go to my job interview. I’ll do Jillian tomorrow afternoon! That’ll be a first.

Mwah!
Jayson!

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