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Changing perspective- on changing perspective....

Posted Nov 17 2009 12:00am
OK so I have been thinking of this post for a while trying to figure out my own mind... and then how to articulate it. (Something I have learned about myself recently is that I get an idea or thought or plan... and it has to sit in the back of my head for a while and ruminate until it is ready to come out! LOL)

Number 1- I have to thank the Lord for friends (ok a BFF in particular) who call you on your Sh*t and don't let you get away with stuff... even (maybe especially) when you didn't even realize you were doing/saying something crazy!! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BFF-D}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Ok so a few posts ago... I posted an old picture of me before my weight loss journey... and then said "I could not believe how bad I looked." and I was not referring to the image (and my crazy tilted head and wierd angle- which is really what I did not like about THAT picture) but I was referring to being heavy and what I looked like at that weight.

NOW- this IS a problem. Especially because... I did NOT hate myself when I was heavy... I didn't. I have always thought I was cute- dressed cute, flirted like I was cute, worked hard like I was cute... was sure I was cute... I Believed I was cute. I WAS CUTE.

SOOO... why would I think I wasn't cute then, now?... when I surely KNEW I was... now that I am thin?? UGH! BAD FORM!! Just not even close to right... and when I really think about it... it's not really how I feel. I was obviously feeling kind of some way when I posted that- clearly- (and look at that double chin the way I am angled... it's just not a flattering photo of me...) BUT that was one of my favorite blouses... and I wore it when I wanted to feel especially cute!

It is important to me that I am trying to tell it like it is on this blog... including all the wierd crap that goes on inside my head as I loose this weight and make sure I stay who I am... just different on the outside- and maybe stronger on the inside- not meaner or shallower on the inside!!

I will admit- that even when I was loving who I was and being comfortable in my skin- at whatever size I was... that there was always a little part that knew that not everyone loved me the way I was... both men and woman... and I felt a bit self-conscious at times because of that and there was always a little part of me that believed every day I could fake what I didn't have until I made it... and in the end I was more "making it" than "faking it"... but it was all a journey....

I am not... nor do I want to ever come across as that "skinny girl" I have always hated that doesn't like big girls... and makes comments on how they look... because that is not me! This blog is titled "The Curvy Life" in honor of curves, big or little or even medium sized, curvy hips, curvy thighs, big butts, boobs, bellies and every size on the spectrum- women are beautiful in all their incarnations... and Curvy is who we are!

If I offended anyone with that previous post- I apologize... boy- this figuring out who I am and how I feel about things as I go through this journey is much harder than I thought it would be- but owning up to it is so important- and figuring it out... even more so....

So.. there it is... Thank you for allowing me to retract the previous post... and more importantly for helping me shape my thoughts- for being there to support my journey- for staying with me even if I am acting crazy- and for dragging yourself along this road of healthy living- in all it's triumphs, defeats and ultimately victory!
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