You've developed this special relationship with food, one that keeps you weighing much too much for your own good. Yet the prospect of living "without" seems impossible (and not right for you).
You make decisions, lots of them all the time, to make sure you will still have this special relationship with food. For example, you make sure there is always food enough for something a little extra should you want it. Or you make a late afternoon run for goodies so you won't be without after dinner and before you go to bed.
There are negative consequences. There's self-recrimination afterward, and a vow not to do it again--which you later violate. There is discomfort, both psychological and physical, when clothes in which you looked your best are too small and situations in which you detest how fat you look and feel must be tolerated and lived through. But you find ways around these negative consequences. You say to yourself, "They keep making women's clothes smaller and smaller." "It's not beauty but brains that count." "I can control my eating. I can stop whenever I want."
The more you maintain your special relationship with food, the more you don't solve the other problems of your life as directly as you should. The more you don't solve these other problems as directly as you should, the more you turn to your special relationship with food to bail you out.