I'm taking things one thing at a time and so far it's working. Last night though I kind of got myself worked up with things running through my head that may or may not be true. Sometimes I get tired of the worrying I seem to do for no reason. Here's the story. We are going to Kentucky for Thanksgiving as we always do to see Mike's family. The plan has been to figure out how to get Kevin there and back in the 4 days he has off. Well yesterday he calls Mike and tells him he has a test a few days after Thanksgiving vacation so he's thinking about not coming. Now I know Kevin and he's always been "about the girl" and I know there is a girl HERE. So then last night I had a million thoughts of a plan he was hatching in his head to come HERE while we were away.
Believe me it's not far fetched either for Kevin. I know from him staying out all night with the van that it was all "about the girl" that night too and that was a plan he had hatched with her long before he came home for his weekend a few weeks ago. I get tired of worrying. I get tired of him sneaking around me. If he wants to be an adult he has to act like one and that includes honesty which I would have thought after all our history together he would be better at. At some point I will just directly ask him if he has other plans for Thanksgiving and with direct questions try to find the answers since most of the time he won't lie directly to me if I ask the right questions.
So last night after work and after working over at the cottage that was on my mind and I couldn't sleep. I ended up taking a Xanax (my second since I got them like a month ago) and it helped me to sleep. Like Mike said, Kevin shouldn't affect me like this when he's not even here. But like the legal thing recently and then his weekend home and keeping the van out all night it just seems he doesn't have much consideration for me. It makes me feel sad, hurt and angry. I don't want him going through his life sneaking around me or others. I don't want to be the last to find out something. I would like to be someone he comes to for advice not feel like someone he is always skirting around. Anyway, it's on my mind.
Other than that, things are fine. I worked over at the cottage and got quite a bit done but still haven't gotten to the caulking of the floor, that will be tonight. It's not going to be a fun job and then if it still looks like heck I will have to buy an area rug or something for the livingroom. I'm sad our flooring over there hasn't held up very well we were hopeful it would last years and it's barely 2 so far. At our house it has held up great so I'm guessing it's a temperature thing making it separate over there. Anyway, it is what it is and we will make the best of it.
Food has been good yesterday and today. Can't say the weekend was great but with walking a half marathon and eating pretty healthy Sunday I think I was just hungrier. I haven't been having any food triggers and I've been trying to stay hydrated. My weight hopped up many lbs between Friday morning and Sunday. It's drifting back down now. I'm sure part of that is TTOM and the marathon. I'm not letting the scale stress me though as I'm feeling good about things in general.
After talking to the marathoner on Saturday that sat down where we were sitting and him talking about the importance of sleep I'm really going to try to focus on getting more. I know a lot of it has to do with my night time worrying laying in bed. I need to turn off my mind. I don't want a pill to become my crutch but I will try the D3 he mentioned and will continue with the melatonin if it helps.
Marie starts basketball tonight. She seems to want to take a nap after school most days and it's becoming harder and harder to get her up for her practices. Last night she again missed soccer practice because even after finally waking her she said she had a headache. I don't want to have her give up playing sports but she has to realize she has to follow through and go to her practices. I'm not going to commit to 6 days a week of sports if she's not willing to commit. Not sure how to get that across to her though without a constant battle. Sigh.
My friend called today at work. It's been a busy day so I really couldn't talk to long. I feel like she asked about me a little but then kind of cut me off and went on to talk about her stuff. Then her cell went dead and she didn't call back. I'm trying to just be a listener but I will admit I'm feeling a bit resentful when I feel I've done my best to be here for her but she's really not here for me. Really even that doesn't bother me it's more having this fear that at some point she's going to lash out at me again for choices I make for myself. I know she has no friends right now and I don't want to abandon her but I also know I have a lot on my own plate right now and don't want that added worry. I guess for now I'll just play it by ear.
Not sure if I'll get much exercise in this week. Yesterday I thought about taking a walk before working at the cottage but then I was worried I would talk myself out of working over there so I just went and did it. Tonight though I might just walk first and hopefully still have enough get up and go to work at the cottage too. We just need to get it done and get the ad out. I told Mike I'm putting the ad up by the end of the week if we are done or not, we just can't wait any longer or winter will be here.
Life is good :) I'll keep reminding myself of that :)
Well I better get back to work. It's pretty busy here the past few days.