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Broken Hearted

Posted Jan 04 2010 8:08am
Letting things (and people) go is hard for me. But I know sometimes it's the best thing for me. Just like the saying goes "set it free and if it was meant to be it will come back to you" or something like that. Well I know I'm getting to that point with Kevin. I love him dearly, he is a son to me. But I can't and won't let him take advantage of me. It breaks my heart to think he might be leaving my house at 18 but that's what it might come to.

He doesn't talk to me like he use to and I don't know what's in his head so I can't help him. He made the decision to take the car last night after we went to bed. He's been off punishment a week. I was hoping he would fly right and things would be ok. But his focus is on girls and I'm not understanding it and without him telling me I don't have a clue.

He tells me he's still with the girlfriend yet last night he snuck out to see another girl. Evidently he got caught by her parents. So today Mike got a text from him saying the girl's parents want to talk to him tonight. I'm angry. I'm angry because it's apparent that Kevin must not care. That for him it's about doing what he wants. If he cared he surely wouldn't take the car without permission. He knows I've told him before I would call the police if he ever did that. He also knows I mean it.

He could have easily went and saw this girl for hours last night. We usually let him go and do what he wants when he asks. I guess that's why I don't understand his thinking. Is it all about the excitement, the thrill for him? Why does he start off every relationship this way? Does he think her parents are going to every like or trust him now? What was he thinking?

He pushed me to far today though and I cracked a little. Not just because of him taking the car. But also because he knew he was caught yet he still got up this morning got ready for school, didn't wake me when he knew I wasn't up when I should have been and took the car to school. What was he thinking? That everything would just magically go away? That I would forgive him yet again?

So the kids and I woke up late and I drove them to school then came home got ready and got to work at 8:45am. Then about a hour later I got the call from Mike. He wasn't as upset as I was. So I made the decision to drive to the school take the new cell phone and the car key from Kevin. So that's what I did. I was angry though. I ended up yelling at him and telling him that if he was going to steal my car and not follow my rules then he could get the fuck out of my house when he hit 18. I mean that too. It will totally break my heart but I will do it.

I'm tired of being focused on Kevin. Evidently he's all surface. He does what he thinks we want him to do but inside he's a train wreck. I know some of it is typical teenage stuff but I also know there is more in his head than that. There are memories, there are learned behaviors, just so many things that I don't know about. I should have made him go to therapy sooner, I tried. But he wasn't willing to talk. Now I fear I've waited to long.

His destiny is his own though. I know from my own childhood, teenage years and life that sometimes it just takes learning it for yourself and doing things the hard way. If that's the road he wants to go down it is his choice. I won't stand by though and put up with being treated crappy. I also won't put up with feeling like I have a sneak under my roof, worried about his next move.

I do think he loves us, we are his family. But I also think there is a part of him that feels like he doesn't belong. I can't help him with his feelings if he isn't willing to talk to me though. I feel bad I lost it today. I think though he had to see my anger and upset. He had to learn he can only push me so far. Tonight I will try to be more rational. I'm hoping he will talk and he will really hear me.

As for me, I'm tired, heart broken and full of anxiety. I feel angry and hurt. I know I've done everything I can for Kevin so I don't have any regrets when it comes to him. I've always tried to be fair and when I haven't been I've apologized for it.

I thought about not writing this but this is my blog and I have to stop worrying about who reads this. I NEED a place to come that I know I can spill it all out and feel better. Do I feel better? Being honest, not really but I'm hoping soon I will.

Till tomorrow...
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