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Anatomy of a Baby Shower

Posted Jun 10 2013 12:00pm

On Sunday, I had the pleasure of attending my cousin's baby shower, spending time with friends and family, eating delicious food, and oohing and aahing at all kinds of tiny, pink, cute things.

Baby showers are typically an educational experience for me. I always come away from them wanting to know more about babies, consumerism, and venturing into functioning alcoholism... 

How many onesies does one baby need? I realize my baby-ignorance is showing, but WOW. Also, I'm not entirely sure what distinguishes one from another - they're all pastels and bows and adorableness, but I can only exclaim "awwww" so many times before I wanna stab myself with the nearest utensil. 

There are so many baby products out there. It is a one-way ticket to crazytown. Someone please tell me why you need a security blanket, a receiving blanket, a burpping blanket, a swaddling blanket, a towel, a hooded towel, a robe made out of towel material... You guys, this is certifiable commerce. I asked my mom if, when I was a baby, she owned all of these aforementioned blankets and she said "you had a fucking blanket! I don't know what it was called."

We are very succinct speakers in my family. 

When she burped me, she threw a cloth diaper over her shoulder and made it work. Isn't that the very core of being a new mom? Making it work? Anyway, my mom is pretty awesome and I've managed to grow up without drooling all over myself on a regular basis, hagovers excluded. Thanks, mommy. 

And then there's this. This nonsense which much be stopped. 

If you are a human being with a brain, and you have purchased a bath rinse cup, just stoppit. Never heard of this genius scam of an invention? Let me recap the product description for you:

Bathtime is easy and fun with this Bath Rinse Cup! It's designed with a handle so you can easily scoop and pour water to rinse off Baby's head and body while keeping soap out of her eyes; the soft, flexible material makes it a super-safe tub-time accessory. Designed in pink; decorated on the side with a cute crab. Taking a bath isn't just about getting clean - make bathtime an enjoyable experience your little one will look forward to!

I just can't. I can't....

It is designed with a handle! It single-handedly keeps soap out of her eyes! HER eyes. Not his -- his eyes get shampooed, of course. Flexible material? Decorated with a cute crab? Baby doesn't give a shit, ok? Taking a bath isn't just about getting clean? YES IT IS! When you are under the age of thirteen, baths are totally about getting clean. After that, boys come into the picture and baths are about ignoring people and reading the latest issue of People Magazine in peace. 

Mind you, the five dollar pricetag is not daunting, but it's the principle of it that irritates me. And the thought that some schmuck is sitting on the sofa in his mansion, laughing his ass off that we all paid money for a pink cup.

As such, I've commissioned a Harvard educated team of scientists and market researchers to invent our own answer the bath rinse cup.*


Bathtime is easy and fun with this red solo cup! Its narrow cylyndrical design is perfect for easy gripping, so you can easily scoop and pour water to rinse off Baby's head and body while keeping soap out of her or his eyes; the soft, flexible material makes it a super-safe tub-time accessory. Designed in a myriad of colors and available at numerous super markets, drug stores and party stores in packs of 25-125; decorated on the side with a company logo cause the baby doesn't really know the difference between that and a cute crab. 

Get it now. For about 25 cents. 

There! Fixed it for you. 

It's been really nice knowing you, everyone, but I will undoubtedly be fielding numerous job offers from baby product enterpeneuers after this entry goes live, so please do call my new intern for an appointment moving forward. 

I would like to thank the shower's planners for NOT imposing any ridiculous baby games upon us such as "Baby Shower Bingo!" and "Don't Say Baby!" or "Guess the Baby Bump!" (All baby shower games have exclamation points on the end of them, in case you were wondering.) One thing we did do -- each table for a sheet of paper on which to jot down our tips to the new mom. I thought that was cute. Of course, as I am that last person to give tips to a mommy, I wrote down the recipe for a Cosmopolitan. You're welcome. 


* I am making this shit up as I go.

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