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Posted Dec 13 2012 10:25pm
Well we are moved into the new building.  I've been feeling a little melancholy.  No one has any privacy now which I think is the biggest issues followed by we have to clock in and out now which make it feel a bit stressful especially since Marie has been sick the past few days and I've had to go and get her at school and then take her to the doctors the other day. Then there was her Christmas program and today I had a TOPS meeting to do during the day.  Anyway, I'm sure I will adjust with time but right now I can't say I'm thrilled over the move.  

Can't really post at work now either or even read a few blogs every now and then.  So I really need to find a new routine for myself.  I've thought about writing just about everyday but then never seem to do it.  Things are going fine I guess, weight has crept back up several lbs (187) and I'm feeling blah tonight about it.  I guess it's just because I don't want weight (the scale) to be my focus for the rest of my life.  But then I also know I have to keep somewhat focused on healthy and well being.  I think really I need to work on the mental aspect of it all and find some spiritual time for myself.  

Working out has never really been my problem and I've actually gotten in 3 morning classes this week.  I've enjoyed getting back to that and plan on trying to keep it up as it does leave my evenings open for other things. 

I guess the whole challenge thing I'm doing has me down too.  I just don't fit in with the "lovely lean ladies" and maybe it's me being a little judgemental and feeling like "how could they ever understand" and "why can't these beautiful women love themselves as they are" and  "I'm just the fat old lady of the team and I'm not motivated to show them what I'm capable of".  I don't really identify with the girls and they do feel like girls to me.  I wish I had held out for another team or no team at all so I didn't feel like I was letting anyone down.  The other girls though have been feeling down too though so it just makes for a group of complainers lol.  

I know a lot of it is the office move and honestly that is perfectly ok.  Really if I come out of the challenge even breaking even I've still done well having gotten through Thanksgiving and Christmas unscathed.  But it just feels like a defeat to me in so many ways that I'm not putting my all into it and that all I seem to want to do lately is eat more than I should.  I've not fallen into sweets or anything so terrible I'm just eating to much.

Anyway, I didn't really want to come here after missing all this time and post a blah post but it is how I'm feeling.  Honestly I'm mourning for the lost of a office building lol.  It's really much more than that but that's how it's feeling to me.  

I'm so not ready for Christmas yet either.  I've only bought 3 gifts for Marie, none for Nick or anyone else.  Still don't have the tree up either.  What the heck is wrong with me?  I can't say I feel depressed, just kind of blah.  Need to pull myself up by the boot straps and get my butt in gear and start feeling more up beat.  

Kevin is wanting us to come visit so I'm thinking we might for New Years weekend.  Hopefully the weather will stay good till then.  

Then I'm suppose to go take my mom for her tests on Jan 3rd.  I talked to her tonight and I felt so disconnected.  I don't know what is wrong with me, there's my mom sick and I'm barely listening.  She's dropped another 10 lbs in the past month, I'm feeling more worried about her.  I just don't understand why they are making her wait so long for these tests it just doesn't make sense to me.  I hope they will show something so we know what's going on with her.  She been going for her iron treatments but still talking about how tired she is.  

A part of me just wants to delete this.  Wish I had a happy Christmas post in my pocket to dish out to everyone about how sunny and terrific everything is with Christmas just a few short weeks away. I'm sure I will pick myself up and get in the groove of things.  I just need to give myself a good talking to.  

Glad tomorrow is Friday at least I'll have the weekend.  Mike's Christmas party is tomorrow at lunch time and then Saturday we have another party to go to for one of his coworkers 50th Birthday so it will be nice to get out and mingle with grown ups.  

Anyway, forgive me for the boo hooing really life isn't bad at all.  Thanks to the folks that have asked about me too :) 

Till next time...
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