I don't really have the time to type all I want to. Our zoo trip on Saturday was really a good good day. Did I partake in sugary things? I did, I had cupcakes, yes more than one. Can't say I'm proud of that since honestly I found them very sugary and though good, not good enough to eat more than one. Then Sunday I didn't do too bad but then Monday I was back to work and in the candy bowl. By Monday after work I was like an addict strung out and coming down from my high needing a 2 hour nap just to finish my day.
Yesterday I woke up and started over promising myself I would not have anything with sugar and I didn't but then today I'm back in the candy bowl. I'm tired of the on again, off again, sugar roller coaster. I know it's an emotional thing. Mike has been moody on and off for a few weeks now and though I can't blame him for my own actions his mood does affect me.
I'm not sure how to fix myself. After reading Christine's post the other day it really hit me that maybe I have fear of losing more weight, an inner fear that I just can't let go of though I can't say I know what it's about. It really does seem to me that when I hit around 175 I start eating my way back up several lbs. I think the phone calls from my father (or the calls I think are him) are bothering me a lot too. My phone rings once to 3 times a day with "unknown" and then there is never a msg left. I have found myself almost daily thinking back to my childhood years and things I just don't really need to even give thought to.
I just don't seem to know how to fix myself. I've been in therapy for a long time and though it's helped me so so much I just feel that without knowing some of the things that happened to me as a child I don't know that I can ever not have this battle with myself and food. Of course a part of me wants to call it a cop out but then the other part of me really thinks there is something deeper going on that I can't seem to fix.
I know this blog is for me. But I also find myself not wanting to talk about my struggles especially when I do sub come to eating poorly. I want to be a success. I keep reminding myself I have been successful and that I've maintained within a 10 lb window a 200 lb weight loss for 2 1/2 yrs now yet I still feel like a failure at times because I can't be at peace with food.
I also read Christie's blog post yesterday and that too hit home with me that I really do want peace with food. That I don't want to live a life of never eating something I enjoy. But I really do want it to be about enjoyment not eating to punish myself or stuff my feelings. I have had moments of eating something with sugar and it really being about the enjoyment of it, in those moments I find that one or two bites of something is usually enough. But more times than not I don't have peace when sugar is involved and it's more of a crazed frenzy or where I'm just constantly thinking about eating sweets in an obsessed fashion. If eating sugar could just be those few bites that would be peace.
I'm tired of talking about this. Mike and I sometimes talk about how being fat was easier mentally in some ways yet I know that's just us missing being in denial about our eating and about our life that was mostly spent sitting in our chairs dying a slow death from obesity. But there is a small glimmer of truth in that when you see people eating with little regard. But then I look at us now and think how much better life is, it's just not worth eating that crap.
I leave for my TOPS convention tomorrow morning. I'm hoping that will refresh me. Usually being around all those people makes me realize that I am the one they look to for motivation and inspiration. I am a success to them so I need to really pick myself up and realize I need to be my own success as well.
On a brighter note, I've been thinking hard about my marathon goal. So yesterday I found myself looking up "how to walk faster" and I found myself on a website about race walking. I remembered back a few years ago when I first started thinking about marathon walking I had bought a book by a guy named Dave McGovern. Well evidently he does weekend race walking clinics. If you can believe it there is actually one just a hour and a half from here this weekend. Of course I can't go because of my TOPS convention not to mention I'm sure it's full.
But I decided to email Dave since his email was there and I asked him a few questions. Low and behold he emailed me back last night and said yes that he thought taking one of his weekend clinics could help me get up to speed in time to walk a full marathon in Baltimore come October. The next closest weekend is in July in NY and it's going to be run by Dave so it sounds perfect. The kids will be going to visit Mike's mom this summer so I'm going to talk to her and I'm going to try to make this all happen so that Mike and I both can go. I've always said if you don't work towards your goals they won't happen.
So my plan is to dig out Dave's marathon walking book and start the 18 week training which will need to start in May so that hopefully by July when we go to the clinic I will already have the weeks needed under my belt for walking a marathon and hopefully with his help come October I will be walking my first full marathon.
I know that regardless of if I weigh 175 or 185 I am the type person that will accomplish what I set out to do when it comes to something I really want. So I'm going to just continue to push forward with my goals that don't involve the scale or food.
Marie and I also were watching the Biggest Loser last night and have decided to do Michelle Obama's Pala+ Challenge for 6 weeks. We are going to get bikes and start bike riding. I'm excited about the idea of doing a little challenge with her.
Hopefully I'll post a few zoo pictures next week along with maybe a few TOPS convention pics. Hope everyone has a great weekend.