“In the very same second, I can be both brave and scared.” ~ Brené (a both/and statement if there ever was one!)
“Vulnerability is the cornerstone of confidence.” ~ Oprah (love the paradox!)
Being vulnerable is what helps me be less defensive (which means that I’m not expecting an offense…I’m not living “in reaction to”). I’m not sure it’s possible to never react, and that’s not even my desire, but the more I strive to live this way, the more I feel that I can stand in what I believe and value.
And it’s funny, because in many ways it feels like it has taken me longer than the average bear to figure out just what it is I believe and value…and to have the courage to live it.
And speaking of courage, vulnerability, fear, shame, and daring, I’m working on uncovering and healing some fears I didn’t even know I had. More on that soon!
A while back I weighed myself for the first time in three years. Knowing “the number” didn’t make me complacent, nor did it create a sense of desperation, although I acknowledged that it would be nice if I weighed 10-15 pounds less.
I made what I consider to be a slight course correction in terms of both food and exercise* and, since then, have dropped a few pounds (at least according to how my clothes fit…I am now comfortably wearing a pair jeans that I couldn’t button before).
It’s no surprise to me that my habits around food fluctuate a bit depending on various factors, as does my weight. But it doesn’t fluctuate wildly and the freedom, peace, and contentment I feel around food/weight/how my body looks is priceless.
I used to be afraid that if I didn’t want to continue to lose weight…if I wasn’t striving and struggling to get to some magical goal, that I’d be considered a fraud. I was afraid that other people would think, “How could she love her body when it looks like that?”
When I have those fears, my actions tend to support them.
When I am practicing acceptance, I take really good care of my whole self and my body is responds positively.
*These days my go-to workout is something called Kickbox Express, a circuit workout that I can do whenever I want (when the facility is open) and which isn’t a class with an instructor, which suits my independent nature. My favorite station is the speed bag. I can punch that sucker pretty fast and consistently! The “battle ropes”? Not so much, but I keep at it.
Oh, and the best part is that I can bring my kettlebell(s) in with me, so I get the best of both!
Have you ever done a 180 in terms of your personality? In high school and college I often felt like I was on the fringes of various social groups, never quite involved or belonging completely. And I so desperately wanted to belong.
I think I was looking for my people. I can’t tell you how many times I found myself involved in some way with some new group, and, in the back of my mind, was wondering, “have I finally found my people?” Only to find myself not really wanting to get THAT involved.
In the past few years it has become apparent that what I really like is to be alone. Mostly. I’m an introvert . I obviously need and enjoy interaction with others, but find being alone to be energizing and necessary.
What I am not sure about is this: was I always like this, but in denial? Was I trying to force myself into being someone I am not (this has been a pattern in my life, after all), thinking I should be extroverted because that’s what seems to be valued? Or did I simply change?