There has been a lot of talk about labels when it comes to eating choices, anywhere from being a pescitarian to vegetarian to vegan. But the one I want to discuss has to do with eating disorder labels. When does it leave you? Will it ever and can you simply get rid of it?
I got a comment recently that I responded to in my comments section but wanted to bring the topic out onto the blog because I think it is an important one.
"In all honesty, is it that you WANT to have an eating disorder as part of your identity? i ask because a) you don't exercise that much b) you're not underweight but talk as if you are and c) you seem to eat pretty normal. if you used to have an ED, start to accept the fact that you're recovered a great deal. don't hold on to the label longer than you have to."
It's a good point really. But there is something about eating disorder labels that is different from life choices that we make about our food: we don't ask for it or want it. Because believe me, I don't want it.
Am I recovered?
I'm getting there.
I may seem normal: at a good weight, eating well and fueling for workouts, but in all reality I still exhibit many signs of not being recovered mentally. To be blunt, there is not a day that goes by that I don't hate the way my body looks. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think I'm fat and have a morphed image of my body. There is not a day that I don't hate the number that last appeared on the scale. There is not a day where I don't like so many of the choices I make whether it be about eating or exercise and not want to combat it in horrible disordered ways. There is more exercise and eating that goes on behind the blog than I talk about, but I'm just too embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it. Every other day I want to restrict, or go on a diet of some sort, but simply can't because I remember how miserable I felt. When I have a good workout or race I'm happy with what my body can accomplish and power through, but it is never enough. Nothing, is ever enough.
So you see, as much as I would love to say I'm recovered, and shout from the rooftops, "I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER ANYMORE!" I cannot. I do not believe that my ED will ever leave me but do believe that one day I will be able to leave that word behind and live a life of happiness the way it should be led. I think I will be able to deal with these thoughts in a good way and see how much I am more than my body.
Ergo, no, I do not want an ED as part of my identity but it is there, and it will be until I can work through every aspect of it to gain control of my live to live joyfully again. It is not as easy task and I think the mental part is much harder than the physical. Like I said, everything may look great from the outside, but on the inside I'm screaming to be let out. ]]
Today, was a much needed rest day for this girl's body as I had run three days in a row and did an hour long ST session in the midst of all of that. And besides, my left quad (problem area in the past) and knee were soar/achy/weird feeling so a day of no exercise was a must. Don't get me wrong, I still did some pushups and situps, but that was about the gist of it.
This morning was cold to say the least. Can we say Fall already? Not quite, since this weekend it's supposed to get up to the high 80's or low 90's again. But according to the weatherman this will be our last heat wave of the year...we'll see about that.
I didn't start off the morning with anything interesting because I simply didn't know what I wanted, as seemed to be the theme for the rest of the day.
TJ's Cinnamon Raisin Bread with PB and a Golden Delicious Apple
Like I said, not very exciting. Neither was most of the morning or snacks thereafter, since I was battling some freak'n crazy winds out in the desert which resulted with more sand stuck to my chapstick'd lips than ever in my life. At least the grapes, berry bar and apple made it safely into my belly.
The afternoon was no more exciting as Honey had every reason to hate me after lunch (soup and leftover potatoes) as I took her in to get her nails trimmed. Tortured cat = hater cat. Like, devil eyes for a while after we got home. I dared not pet her and instead just fed her lots of chicken shaped little treats. Still couldn't get a purr from her. She'll get over it.
Instead she basked in the glory of getting all my nice, warm and clean clothes dirty again. Please refrain from staring at my pink striped undies...
The rest of the afternoon was spent drinking lots of tea because it was in the high 50's and I was frozen. And a few PB Pretzel Nuggets.
But then, there was something I got from the postman as a belated birthday present.
Hellooooooo delicious. You can bet I demolished one of these babies in an instant. Well, mine didn't quite look like they did still at Mama Pea's house as the postal service did a number on them, but it was probably equivalent to one of them. And maybe an extra half.
Dinner came around and I still didn't feel like eating anything in particular. The past few days I have been an empty hole of hunger and none my appetite is there, but I have no want for anything. Weird body; get with it.
So, I relished in leftovers to keep things from spoiling:
Chik'n patty, marinara, spinach and sheepherder's bread.
And some strawberries. But what you don't see is the pudding that went on there after I took the picture left. There was just a tad left in the fridge. And some cookie crumbs for topping. Geez...
Off to watch some premieres! Will it be Bones, or Grey's? Cause people, this chick doesn't have DVR alright. Just Hulu. :)