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Fighting the Feelings

Posted Aug 08 2010 8:32pm

Have you checked out the rest of my weekend? 

- Tips on using a Camelbak?  

- The Food and Wine Festival?

It ended in a blast!  I woke up at a decent hour with the intention of trying out my 11 miler again but my head was killing me, so I cleaned up from the night before, thought of doing it later in the evening, and noshed on two big bowls of cantaloupe and rockmelon, and a handful or two of Kashi H2H.

Everyone finally crawled out of bed and I started on making a real breakfast for everyone: Pancakes!  I used the Healthy Heart Mix from Bisquick and added in some cinnamon and vanilla, along with a few that had bananas…and espresso chocolate chunks. I settled for a simple one consisting of an apple, pancake and Naturally More PB.  Helped hit the spot for me!

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We lounged around for a while watching Parent Trap with Lindsey Lohan and then walked back to downtown to show everyone around.  We headed over to the German Bakery where everyone got a little treat to take with us to the movie theater to watch Charlie St. Cloud a bit afterwards.

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We also checked out the Train Museum and boy was the train loud when it comes through!  No wonder I can hear it from almost two miles away where I live!

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We headed over to the small town theater and I ate a Chewy Almond Odwalla Bar, along with a bite of each of the desserts everyone got including a cream puff, apple strudel and raspberry chocolate mini cheesecake.

And then I spent the next hour and a half swooning over this beautiful guy:

I think he’s my newest squeeze.  Even if he is younger…hah.  At least he’s older than my brothers!

We walked back home to get in a nice walk for the day (3.5 miles, not bad!) and packed everyone up to go back home.  I miss them all already!  My apartment is so empty!!!

I was starving by the time they left so I quickly made a veggie filled wrap with some tofu and laughing cow cheese and a side of grapes.

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And as if I hadn’t had enough sweets and indulgences for the weekend, I had some Lactose free vanilla ice cream and a raspberry chocolate chip muffin for dessert.

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And now I’m going to quickly get ready for bed to baby this headache and wake up refreshed and ready for the start of HLS week!

[[Side Note: The Madness of Emotions

I don’t even know where to start with this Side Note.  It’s been a while since I’ve written a Note and I think it’s simply overdue.  There are so many things going on in my head as of the past two weeks and it’s just overwhelming.  Hell, it’s definitely been more than two weeks and it’s just been building up.  Not a good thing.

I’m going to start with a confession.  I broke down and sadly, bought a scale.  I have had it for almost a month, but only used it a few times.  As of today I haven’t used it in ten days, and I’m trying my hardest not to step on it anytime soon.

In the past the scale was something that controlled my feelings and life every single morning.  Just by the number it would determine if I was going to be happy, sad or frustrated that day.  But now it’s more of a terror.  I’m horribly afraid of what the scale is going to say and therefore am afraid to even step foot on it, which just makes me feel anxious all day at what it might actually say if I were to step on it.

I have tried my hardest not to listen to these inner feelings, turning to inspiration from Operation Beautiful after being featured in it three times and sticking up my own Post-its around my apartment, especially in the bathroom.  But it’s not working, as there is this inner anxiety and nervousness about some upcoming events, which sadly include HLS.

I have discussed in the past how first impressions are very very hard for me, along with going out in public and trying hard not to isolate myself from well, the world.  I have been doing well in my little town, like this weekend (and even wearing a dress!) but with this weekend’s HLS, I am on a cliff, tipping over the edge. 

Even though I have met quite a few of these bloggers and am great friends with just as many, there are so many new ones I’m going to meet and I’m afraid I’m not going to live up to their perception of what they see on the blog.  I know it’s really not something to worry about, I know it deep in my heart and soul, but I just can’t seem to accept it.  I know I’m going to make so many more friends and have such a great time, but I know I’ll be doing it all behind a face with a pretty smile and laughter.  It’s the truth and I can’t hide from it.

I’m trying hard in the next few days to try and not let myself get so wrapped up in these worries and focus on treating myself the way I should and be excited about seeing so many of my wonderful friends.  It’s just hard.  Maybe it’s because I haven’t been able to talk to my therapist (I had to cancel my appt last week due to work) and I’m wishing that’ll be able to talk to her this week about some of these emotions so I can deal with having some carefree fun on this trip!  It is supposed to be fun, exciting and not stressful!  ARG! I just want to have fun!!!

There is much more going on in my head that I could talk about but I’m going to leave that for later, as I’m just plain exhausted of feeling this way and remembering I feel like it in the first place.  I’m calling it a night for now. ]]

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