Walking outside for exercise, I have been heckled and humiliated, “Hey fatty, it’s going to take a lot more than a walk about the block to lose that ass.”
I was walking past an ice cream store and someone yelled out, “Go have another ice cream, fatty.”
I NEVER ever wanted my children to hear someone say that to me. I was so afraid their friends would make fun of me, but as far as I know they never did… but the FEAR of having that happen, was enough to make me isolate. Stay inside the house. I was so embarrassed to see friends who knew me before I gained weight. I had a good friend ask me is all seriousness, “Oh my god, what happened to you”.
What happened indeed? After an initial FAST weight gain of 100 lbs partially due to steroid medication and definitely due to total lack of exercise, the next 50 – 60 lbs just piled on and off, slowly but surely.. depending on my actively level and how much I was paying attention to mindless/comfort eating. I just spiraled out of control and couldn’t seem to get it back for any length of time. I tried “diets”, Weight Watchers, Gluten Free, 100% Vegan, Raw Food “Cleanses”, Counting Calories, Giving up this or that food group, Atkins (now that was difficult as a vegan leaning vegetarian).. and while they all “worked” initially, they failed because I couldn’t stick to it. I was emotionally not able to (again for many reasons, some that I may get into in the future if I find I feel comfortable being this emotionally raw online.)
To make a long story short, I became so desperate, I knew I had to do something BIG and that something was to sell my car, move to Boston (from NH) when my youngest son went to college. When I moved here Sept 24, 2011 I weighed 290 lbs. I could only walk about ½ mile at a time without severe pain, but since my lifestyle forced me to walk, even taking public transportation, you have to walk to and from stops, up and down stairs at T stations, etc. I also became a bit more mindful of the food I was putting in my mouth, eating a lot of veggies and filling up on them and being mindful of my portions. I never restricted ANYTHING. I ate whatever I wanted, I was just MINDFUL. I walked and walked and walked, I remember Thanksgiving Day (I was celebrating the next day with my family) was the first LONG walk I managed, a month after moving. I walked 6 miles and was so amazed I could do it! I started to feel FREE! I think I realized that day, that my life was changing for good this time.
Over the next 9 months or so, I lost 100 lbs. I was walking between 6-12 miles every day and working on my feet most of the day. The weight loss was effortless. During this time (I was 245 lbs when I met The BF) I started seeing The Boyfriend. I had been single for over 4 years and the thought of having a boyfriend was the last thing I could imagine before I moved to Boston… but a funny thing happened, as I started to feel more in control of myself and my life, things changed.. But that’s a whole other topic as well. Wow, there are so many layers to weight/body image/health.
But I digress, so I was walking 6-12 miles a day and the weight loss was effortless, but at the end of September, I found myself in a different living situation (with The BF) and my work situation changed as well and I was no longer walking the 6-12 miles a day and then I became ill in December and the result is a 20 pound weight gain. I REFUSE to regain the weight and go back to where I was. Writing this has been good for me, because I forgot how tormented I was. I literally had no idea what I was going to write when I sat down here, and frankly, I am feeling really sad right now that I wasted so much of my life in my own prison.
I will not go back. Now, I am not walking 12 miles a day anymore to/from work, but I am walking around 3 miles to get to/from work. I need to make a game plan and become more mindful of my eating. I’m also recovering from C-Diff (look it up if you want) and a surgery, so my body is a bit wrecked. I will write more about my health issues soon too, if I feel comfortable.
I don’t believe in diets. I believe in whole foods. Healthy and delicious, mostly vegan whole foods, and exercise.
I am posting a comparison picture of me at 285 and 190, which is the lowest daily weight (I think I got down to 185 for a couple of weeks this summer).. I have currently gained 20 lbs since then and weigh 210 now. Depressing, but I can get it off. I’ve done before and I will do it again. My goal weight is 155-160.