There are many times when I want to give up, and, in fact, there have been many times when I have. I've taken breaks. I've eaten meals consisting solely of cookies. I've shunned everything in the name of health, and I've shunned health food. At times I've ignored what's truly important, and I've struggled to identify what "important" truly means. I've felt out of place or in my place or in charge of the place, depending on the hour or the day. I've sworn off writing as an act of running in circles, chasing a ghost of myself. I've also convinced myself to go on despite of cramping hands or dying pens and in this manner, filled stacks of books that may or may not ever surface in public. I struggle with the notion of publicity when sometimes I think that's all that will please me.
I've been ashamed. I've hidden. I've as yet failed to come to terms with the person I've become in a new life, when I can die at dusk and be reborn at sunrise. And sometimes I do not sleep. I use the time like waves to wash myself of impurities and then it starts again. A single day in this life is at times too much to bear. I charge forward only to be drug back on a stretcher of my own skin, cowering or injured or sulking or blue. It's a vision of defeat that keeps me here in the realm of believing I'll never live up to the dreams I dare not dream anymore.
Someday I will dance to the rhythm of my soul instead of fleeing or plugging my ears, and this is the secret I grip to my chest as the hen protects her clutch. I will continue to waste breath. This is all a reflection of life.
Recipe featured: Pumpkin Oatmeal Cookies fromVegan With a Vengeance; roasted squash seeds as an added bonus of using fresh baked squash for the cookies. The same recipe as two years ago, yet oh so very different. As always, thank you for reading.