The other day, while my back was turned and I was asking the sales clerk a question, a small round man absconded with my shopping cart. He just grabbed it and scurried away like a fat hungry weasel with a juicy chicken. So for all the fat hungry weasels in the world, here’s my list of sixteen simple suggestions for ultimate swim, bike and run happiness.

Swimming

16) There is no passing in lap swimming.

When you share a lane you really have only two choices. 1) Spit the lane or 2) Share the lane. When you share the lane don’t pass, because until they invent underwater rear view mirrors, I have no idea that you are coming.

15) There is no mid-lane parking in swimming.

If you are halfway down the lane, you should either be swimming or recovering from a cramp. Save the “my cat barfed-up the biggest hairball last night” discussion for the hot tub.

14) There is no underwater treasure in the pool.

I know that you can find the some of the strangest stuff at the bottom of the pool. From old gum to funky hairballs to water soaked Band-Aids to what I hope are dead bugs and small creatures of all sorts to much funkier stuff. Don’t point this out to me. I’ve also seen the dead furry thing out of the corner of my eye and I’m also trying to keep my lips closed as hard as possible.

13) There is no mid pool lane splitting in swimming.

When you share a lane stick to your side of that lane. If you find it hard to stay on one side I have two words for you: “Open” and “Water”

12) There is no road rage in the pool.

Accidents will happen. If by chance when I’m doing the fly and you are doing the breast stroke, and we pass in a tight lane and I happen to slap you in the ass, and you happen to kick me in the crotch, just keep going. Perhaps we mutter a few words of apology but these things happen in lane swimming. I really didn’t mean to grab your ass and you really didn’t mean to kick me in the crotch. We both should know this and not use it to start a fight or long term romance.

11) If you have long hair, wear a swim cap.

This goes for both gals and guys. Have you ever had a 4-foot long slimy hair wrap itself around your neck, through your mouth and up your nose while swimming? I have and I can promise you that you won’t make your interval or even finish your lap when you are caught in the tentacles of the human hair squid.

Cycling

10) No farmers wipe when drafting.

OK I know that it is almost impossible to properly blow your nose when you are biking. And at he same time, the nose does tend to really run on those cold bike rides. But if you are part of a draft line don’t even think about blowing your nose over your shoulder.

9) You better be able to ride like Lance if you dress like him.

If you are wearing the matching team RadiShack shorts and jersey with a $500 aero helmet and riding a $10,000 carbon fiber steed, you better be fast.

BTW: Word to the wise: There’s nothing that stands out more on a bike then a rich guy with skinny legs.

8) If you don’t know how to draft, then don’t draft.

Drafting and bike handling are skills that take time and effort to learn. Don’t just jump on my back wheel on a whim because I happen to be a big guy and I easily break the wind (or perhaps just break wind). You never know….do you? Why? Because if you get it wrong we will both pay the price. If you want to draft, just ask.

7) Help others cyclist by the side of the road.

We are a small band of fellow riders compared with the big world of cars and trucks. If you can help fix a flat or supply a spare air canister to a fellow cyclist you’ll be earning some big karma points. Because you know that one-day that will be you sitting on the side of the road.

6) Ride single file.

For some reason people driving cars a hell bent to kill a cyclist. Don’t give them a reason to hate us even more.

5) Fat Hungry Weasel Drivers.

The next time you feel the need to pass leaving me with about two millimeters to spare, I hope you get an extended visit from tiny, horny and extremely itchy anus worms. I hope these hell bent anus itchers set-up a homestead in your rectum and breed and multiply, like bunnies on a sunny and grassy knoll in springtime.

Running

4) There is passing on the track.

Keep to the outside lane on track when you are running slow or walking. For all you drivers out there this may seem like a strange and foreign concept (I know you like to drive in the left lane at 55 with you turn signal on) but on the track let the faster runners pass on the inside lane.

3) Dogs like to sniff in the funniest places.

If you have a dog, please keep it under control. While I love dogs, I would prefer to take it out to dinner and movie or two before we really get to know each other that well.

2) Dogs like to sniff in the funniest places.

If you don’t have a dog please don’t get too mad. While I try to keep my dog under control sometimes it will just jump the gun and go for what human might consider an in appropriate sniff. I truly apologize and I hope you understand that this is not something I encourage or do without a dinner and movie or two.

1) Just say "Hi". I like to acknowledge my fellow runners with a “Hey” or a “Hi” when I’m out on the trials. After all running is such a solitary sport most of the time. So unless you are really seriously training to win the Boston marathon just say “Hi” back.

I understand that you are serious about your running, but you can say “Hi” back because I doubt you’ll won’t win the Boston marathon at a ten minute pace. And if you are a bit out of shape you won’t have a heart attack by uttering the word “Hi’ back to me.

Roman Mica is a amateur Clydesdale triathlete who lives and races in Boulder, Colorado. His most recent book is entitled No, Seriously My Training Begins Tomorrow: The Everyman's Guide to IRONFIT Swimming, Cycling & Running, and is available on Amazon.com .

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