Sixteen simple suggestions for ultimate swim, bike and run happiness
Posted Jun 19 2010 6:45am
The other day, while my back was turned and I was asking the sales
clerk a question, a small round man absconded with my shopping cart. He
just grabbed it and scurried away like a fat hungry weasel with a juicy
chicken. So for all the fat hungry weasels in the world, here’s my list of sixteen simple suggestions for ultimate swim, bike and run happiness.
16) There is no passing in lap swimming.
When you share a
lane you really have only two choices. 1) Spit the lane or 2) Share the
lane. When you share the lane don’t pass, because until they invent
underwater rear view mirrors, I have no idea that you are coming.
15) There is no mid-lane parking in swimming.
If you are
halfway down the lane, you should either be swimming or recovering from
a cramp. Save the “my cat barfed-up the biggest hairball last night”
discussion for the hot tub.
14) There is no underwater treasure in the pool.
that you can find the some of the strangest stuff at the bottom of the
pool. From old gum to funky hairballs to water soaked Band-Aids to what I
hope are dead bugs and small creatures of all sorts to much funkier
stuff. Don’t point this out to me. I’ve also seen the dead furry thing
out of the corner of my eye and I’m also trying to keep my lips closed
as hard as possible.
13) There is no mid pool lane splitting in swimming.
share a lane stick to your side of that lane. If you find it hard to
stay on one side I have two words for you: “Open” and “Water”
12) There is no road rage in the pool.
happen. If by chance when I’m doing the fly and you are doing the breast
stroke, and we pass in a tight lane and I happen to slap you in the
ass, and you happen to kick me in the crotch, just keep going. Perhaps
we mutter a few words of apology but these things happen in lane
swimming. I really didn’t mean to grab your ass and you really didn’t
mean to kick me in the crotch. We both should know this and not use it
to start a fight or long term romance.
11) If you have long hair, wear a swim cap.
for both gals and guys. Have you ever had a 4-foot long slimy hair wrap
itself around your neck, through your mouth and up your nose while
swimming? I have and I can promise you that you won’t make your interval
or even finish your lap when you are caught in the tentacles of the
human hair squid.
10) No farmers wipe when drafting.
OK I know that it is
almost impossible to properly blow your nose when you are biking. And at
he same time, the nose does tend to really run on those cold bike
rides. But if you are part of a draft line don’t even think about
blowing your nose over your shoulder.
9) You better be able to ride like Lance if you dress like him.
If you are wearing the matching team RadiShack shorts
and jersey with a $500 aero helmet and riding a $10,000 carbon fiber steed, you better be fast.
BTW: Word to the wise: There’s nothing that
stands out more on a bike then a rich guy with skinny legs.
8) If you don’t know how to draft, then don’t draft.
and bike handling are skills that take time and effort to learn. Don’t
just jump on my back wheel on a whim because I happen to be a big guy
and I easily break the wind (or perhaps just break wind). You never
know….do you? Why? Because if you get it wrong we will both pay the
price. If you want to draft, just ask.
7) Help others cyclist by the side of the road.
We are a
small band of fellow riders compared with the big world of cars and
trucks. If you can help fix a flat or supply a spare air canister to a
fellow cyclist you’ll be earning some big karma points. Because you know
that one-day that will be you sitting on the side of the road.
6) Ride single file.
For some reason people driving
cars a hell bent to kill a cyclist. Don’t give them a reason to hate us
5) Fat Hungry Weasel Drivers.
The next time you feel
the need to pass leaving me with about two millimeters to spare, I hope
you get an extended visit from tiny, horny and extremely itchy anus
worms. I hope these hell bent anus itchers set-up a homestead in your
rectum and breed and multiply, like bunnies on a sunny and grassy knoll
4) There is passing on the track.
Keep to the outside
lane on track when you are running slow or walking. For all you drivers
out there this may seem like a strange and foreign concept (I know you
like to drive in the left lane at 55 with you turn signal on) but on the
track let the faster runners pass on the inside lane.
3) Dogs like to sniff in the funniest places.
have a dog, please keep it under control. While I love dogs, I would
prefer to take it out to dinner and movie or two before we really get to
know each other that well.
2) Dogs like to sniff in the funniest places.
don’t have a dog please don’t get too mad. While I try to keep my dog
under control sometimes it will just jump the gun and go for what human
might consider an in appropriate sniff. I truly apologize and I hope you
understand that this is not something I encourage or do without a
dinner and movie or two.
1) Just say "Hi". I like to acknowledge my fellow
runners with a “Hey” or a “Hi” when I’m out on the trials. After all
running is such a solitary sport most of the time. So unless you are
really seriously training to win the Boston marathon just say “Hi” back.
I understand that you are serious about your running, but you can say
“Hi” back because I doubt you’ll won’t win the Boston marathon at a ten
minute pace. And if you are a bit out of shape you won’t have a heart
attack by uttering the word “Hi’ back to me.
Mica is a amateur Clydesdale triathlete who lives and races in Boulder,
Colorado. His most recent book is
entitled No, Seriously My Training Begins Tomorrow: The Everyman's
Guide to IRONFIT Swimming, Cycling & Running, and is available on