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Posted Jun 05 2009 5:07pm
Maybe I'm only half a person. Well, that's how I feel about my capabilities as a human being. I don't seem to be very good at anything - emphasis here is on VERY. I do seem to be somewhat good at a great number of things.

For example - I was always a good student. Always brought home good grades - never quite good enough for that college scholarship though. Being a good student though makes your parents very happy - that's a good thing.

My kids think I'm pretty smart. That's because I know about a lot of things. I don't know a lot about any one thing - but I do have a wide range of knowledge. Comes from being a good student and having a semi-photographic memory. What I don't know, I usually make up. And I do it in such a way, that most people believe me. The problem is, I usually end up doubting myself and questioning the answer I just gave - even if it is entirely correct.

I can kind of play the piano. I can read music, but I can't always translate it from my brain to my fingers. I'm also somewhat disabled in that I have very small hands - and feet - but I'm a larger person. I think there's a name for that, but I can't quite remember what it is.

I wish I could sing or dance - sometimes I think I can do these things, but those are generally when I'm sleeping or imbibing - ok, you're right, this is not a good thing. I love to listen to someone who can sing or watch really good dancers. One of my favorite shows is So You Think You Can Dance - love that show. Another one was Rock Band which was only on for 2 seasons - but those people on those shows are phenomenal.

I wish I could be an artist. You know that I tried, but whatever part of the brain that controls or affects artistry skills, just doesn't function on all cylinders. My house is decorated but I could never make it look like something you would see in a magazine. Same things with gardening - although I think my lack there is just plain laziness. I just don't want to spend the time it takes to design and layout a very nice garden. So I have a semi-nice garden and I keep trying different things until I come up with something I like. Oh yes, and I'm cheap too - another limiting factor.

I wish I could write. I did really well in school with papers and such, but that is just because I have a knack for organizing a lot of other people's thoughts in one place to support a thesis. I think my blog is kind of OK - it is a good way for me to put my thoughts into words. But I run into the same problem as with gardening, I get too lazy to think about just the right words to use or come up with something really clever - I'm usually a few days behind with the clever statements. I can come up with a few from time to time - but I have a definite delay before it comes to fruition.

I wish I could be a good athlete - no check that, a great athlete. Well, now that I'm 55 the odds of being outstanding in the overall community are rather slim. I can strive to be outstanding for my age group and I do try to do that, but I'm not convinced I can get there due to lack of skill and that damn laziness factor. When I was growing up, I was athletically involved as much as a female could be back in those days. My parents were fully supportive of active children - they were great about that and I did the same with my kids. I grew up in a swimming pool and had some nominal success. I played volleyball, basketball and softball. I tried my hand at gymnastics. I tried out for everything at school - cheerleading, pom poms, band/flag twirling, etc. with no success at all. I'm an OK triathlete today and get to win my age group in local races - mostly because no one else shows up - but that's OK too, since I'm out there trying as hard as I can to win.

Overall, I could generally feel defeated about my lack of success in all those things that I wish I could do and on some days, that is exactly how I feel. But, when I look at where I am today, I have to feel pretty successful. I have to wonderful, grown up, independent children who can take care of themselves and their families. In this day and age, that's damn good. So I'm really thankful about that.

Even though I consider myself semi-skilled, I have a great job as vice president of a company and pretty much the go-to person with all the answers - go figure (it's really that I can convincingly make up a good answer) - so I should be grateful for that - and I am.

I didn't do so well in my first marriage, but have a wonderful husband now that I have been married to for 19 years. He says he's happy - so I'll buy that and consider myself lucky to be married with a nice place to live and a comfortable lifestyle.

So, why am I whining you might ask? It's because of the fact that I've never been fully satisfied with what I have that has made me semi-successful and semi-skilled. So I guess I'll just keep trying to be more than what I am until I am no more. I don't think that's a bad thing at all!
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