Thursday morning I got a semi-frantic call from Mom. They scheduled her surgery for Monday. This coming Monday. She was leaving the plastic surgeon's office and headed into another doctor's appointment and only had a moment. She sounded a little bit nervous. For whatever reason, I had a small sense of relief because now we knew when the day would be. I'd been grumpy and tense the past few days, but now I had a lot of nervous energy. Not unlike that energy they tell pregnant women they'll get when it's getting to be that time to have their baby. I never experienced that because I had a scheduled c-section due to Angelfish's somewhat low amniotic fluid (despite drinking 3 L of water a day to try to increase it) and as my OBGYN at the time liked to say my "cervix was like Fort Knox" and I could have carried twins to 40 week term. Anyway, it's what everyone says it's like. Our house is cleaner than it's been in a long time. I was wired. You name it, I cleaned it or reorganized it. I wasn't too great with talking to anyone, but Mr. Darcy was cool with it. Guess it was better than the short temper of the past several days. You should have seen me scurrying around - like we used to say about a professor who was animated and would run up and down the front of the class excited about tax law, I was like a squirrel on speed. All the cleaning was really a good thing because yesterday was a strength training day and it helped me continue that strong feeling. I did a 15 minute warm up on the stationary bike and then hit the weights. I discovered my abs were sore from the pilates I did earlier in the week, but boy did it feel good to lift those weights. I felt like I had grown several inches taller by the time I left. Mr. Darcy took the day off from work because he wasn't feeling well, but I worked like a crazy woman both on my work and on the house. I did a lot of things on my to do list, including new email attempts to talk about recruitment data with collegiates and their advisors for my sorority to try to help them improve for next year. For once, I actually got some good positive responses. We'll see how they go toward actually getting a call scheduled, but it's a better start than I've had in the past. My guess is that the change in officers helped. It's funny to be on the Regional Director side of things. I probably would have not liked what I had to say when I was a collegiate, but sometimes the truth hurts. I try to put it gently but all the same. I got with Mr. Darcy and made our annual contributions. I wish we had more money to do more good with, but we do what we can and that is a blessing in itself. I did laundry. I did everything other than consciously think about my Mom.
In the past few days, not only do I think about the surgery but I also wonder and worry about whether she'll need chemo. I push it out of my head as much as possible, but it's still there lurking. Waiting for me to close my eyes. So I've been avoiding it by not sleeping and when I do sleep, I'm not sleeping well.
I guess that's why Mr. Darcy told me to sleep late tomorrow when he left with the kids and the dog to go to his parents. I had my Christmas party with some lady friends I've made here and some people who are friends of my friends. I had a great time at the party, I laughed and laughed. I have to admit that when Bill and the girls left, I wanted to go with them and was sad to be saying goodbye. It's Friday evening and I'm used to them being with me. I also know I'll be gone away from them for a good bit while I'm with Mom. But I'm glad that I had the party and had some time with friends - I haven't laughed like that for a good while. It was a good feeling to have.
Once everyone was gone, my nervous energy returned so I cleaned up the kitchen a bit, put chairs back at the table, etc. I set the house alarm and then a few minutes later accidentally set it off (I'm sure my neighbors loved the screaming siren at 12:38 am) when I double checked our porch door and it turned out to be unlocked. Whoops. Should have done that before turning on the alarm. So with my heart pounding, I told the alarm company all was well and sat down at the computer. Peeked into the lives of others while reading their blog and realized I probably frighten people away sometimes because I tell my life as it is. Other bloggers are much more closed and keep their blog as a public persona. For good or bad, I am unable to put up walls. Like Puck in A Midsummer's Night Dream, I don't mean to offend. It is my nature to just say it all.
I was touched by a fellow blogger's admission that he senses his Depression returning. I feel for him, but can offer no solace because I don't know what to say. I bet a lot of people get that same feeling reading this blog as of late, but I can't promise to change either.
A couple of things occurred to me yesterday. One is that I am obsessed with the idea of chemo and whether my Mom is going to have to have it. I'm not sure what it is about this idea that worries me so much. I don't know if it is because in my mind if you have to have chemo, then you are REALLY sick, or if I am afraid that it won't work if she does have to have it.
Monday is the anniversary of Angela's death and I miss her. I get the sense sometimes that she's around though. I talked to her sister the other day and stuff has been happening to her that would indicate Ang is hanging about to let her know everything is okay. I'm convinced that she made a pink rose bloom in December in Little Rock Arkansas for a friend of hers. I read the story she told about it and got chills and had this feeling that it was Angela. Maybe others think it's odd, but I believe in this sort of after life. I'm certain Angela's in heaven, but she's just checking in on her loved ones.
I think it's a good sign that surgery is Angela's anniversary. One thing is for sure, Angela doesn't want us wasting our time. If the music is playing, she'd want us to get up and dance. To her family, I love you all and am thinking of you today and while I'll probably be pretty caught up with Mom's stuff on Monday you're still in my heart. The only thing I can say to try to ease your pain is that when I had to leave the church to fly home after the funeral, I looked up at the cross on the church building for a moment and I heard her voice in my head and she said that everything was going to be okay. That she was okay and that it was okay to leave and that she wanted me to keep living. I don't know if that helps, but I hope it does.
Well, it's late and the Jack Johnson song on Pandora just ended with "Please, please, please don't bring me down." So, I will end here with a promise. I will keep living. I will treasure the moments I have and I will not fear what I don't really know - like whether Mom will have to have chemo. What's that saying? Life is not the number of moments that you breathe it's the number of moments that take your breath away. I'll find those to hold on to and hope to make more - like this weekend at the Santa luncheon with the little ladies. It's amazing how much I am missing my Mr. Darcy and the ladies, even if they are snug and asleep in bed right now. I am wishing I was with them right now. So I'm going to bed - 2 am. The latest I can remember being awake in a good long while. Mr. Darcy said to sleep in tomorrow and I think I'm going to do just that and wake to a new day. I'm sure I'll worry about the Mom situation, but I have faith that God will work it all out.
So I may be missing from blogland for a bit while at the 'rents house. If I get a chance, I will update you all on how things go. Of course, knowing me you'll hear it - it's just a matter of when. : ) Thanks to everyone who left me comments - good advice all; I appreciate you "chatting" with me! And I didn't realize that the squeaky shoes were a bad thing... I'll have to get it checked out after I'm back.
I'll leave you with a song I heard a moment ago that made some sense to me - of course it is 2 am so all sorts of things seem to make sense to you at 2 am. It's called "Darlin' Don't Fear" by Brett Dennen. Good music too...
When I arrived in my own set of clothes
I was half a world away from my home And I was hunted by the wolves and I was heckled by the crows Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know
Alongside my innocence I laid in bed awake Conflicted in these chains with the impetus of age But like a phantom she crept across the floor and out the window Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know
From this place on the mantle my heart was taken down Scattered in a thousand little pieces on the ground And out below the streetlamp like an orphan with a halo Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know
'Cause it won't last - the worries will pass All your troubles they don't stand a chance And sometimes it takes more than a lifetime to know Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know
The confidence is full with your faith etched in stone And I let clean comfort you from the wild unknown So very auburn and hatred like a hatchet in snow Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know
If you have a broken heart or a battered soul Find something to hold on to or to let go To help you through the hard nights like a flask filled with hope Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know
'Cause it won't last - your worries will pass All your troubles they don't stand a chance And it always hurts the worst when it's the ones we love the most
Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know
Sometimes your path is marked in the sky Sometimes you're forced to fit in between the lines Sometimes all that you can do is say no Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know
I said, when I arrived in my own set of clothes I was half a world away from my home And I was hunted by the wolves and I was heckled by the crows Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know
I said, Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know We said, Darlin' do not fear