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Lump in my throat

Posted Jun 13 2009 12:07am

What's wrong with me?
I finally FINALLY went grocery shopping alone this morning. No one jumping on the front of the cart pulling it into innocent shoppers, no one begging me for donut holes, no one fussing that they're bored. No one. That was the problem.I was lonely.
I called my husband and I Cried!!!!!!!!!!
I tell ya....I'm a bonafide sappy Mom. I miss my little boy So much!!!
My 6 and 9 year old have been in school for a couple years now. They started 3rd and 1st grades a couple weeks ago. I'm a bit used to them heading off for the day.
But little Nick. He is my buddy. My sweetheart! My snuggler. My last little baby at home. It's very hard for me to grasp that he's not here with me right now. Sitting on my lap. Twirling my hair with his fingers.
He started preschool last week. Today is his 3rd day. I'm happy for him. I'm happy that he can go and make some little friends his own age. He is always tagging along wiht his big brothers. In fact, I don't think he realizes what it means to be four. He is just one of the "guys." He just runs with the pack. This is a good change for him. Three days/ week. It's not so bad. I am actually able to get some daytime training done! What could be better!? Breath Mommy breath. It IS ok. This is life.
I have stayed very busy. We have lots of work being done on our house and I am being bombarded with appointments and decisions and more decisions. I haven't had a minute to spare but I still wish I wasn't alone. I can't believe I feel this way.
I just have this god awful lump in my throat because I miss my boy so very much. When they are all under my feet, tracking in dirt, begging for more snacks, bickering and whining, I think I might turn into Momzilla. But when they are all off....I can't stand it!
What is wrong with me? I know I should enjoy the "peace." After 9 years of noise...this quiet time is just deafening!
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