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JLo's Triathlon Advice

Posted Apr 17 2009 12:30am
So, Nancy from T3 stopped me at spin class last night to let me know that my recent posts have been lame! Apparently, they haven't been funny enough for her taste. Thanks, Nancy! :-) Honestly, I haven't had many witty moments to write about.... until now.

Thank You, Jennifer Lopez!

By now, we've all heard that super-athlete Jennifer Lopez is training for her first Sprint Triathlon to raise money for charity. She was on "Good Morning America" bragging about this incredible feat (like she's the first). She's also teamed up with Self Magazine to dispense advice about training and racing through a blog. Yes, triathlon training advice from the star of the Blockbuster film "Gigli." I can't wait.

What tips can she give besides "Have your agents hook you up with celebrity trainers and clothing companies so that you can adequately look the part."

What other advice will J-Lo give in the next few weeks leading up to this already celebrity-filled Malibu Sprint Tri??

1.) Dig in your closet to find old spandex shorts from FOX "In Living Color" Days when you were just a "flygirl" backup dancer.

2.) Have Prada design a custom pair of running shoes to match the ridiculously large sunglasses.

3.)Purchase biggest bike saddle possible so that your entire ass will fit on it.

4.) When in the aero position, make sure cleavage is fully exposed for the cameras. Media needs to see how good you look after having twins. It will inspire women everywhere. I promise.

5.) After swim, have hair and makeup artists staged in the T1 area. After all, one can't be expected to ride your bike with wet hair and no makeup.

6.) Take in plenty of nutrition during the race while the cameras are rolling and then purge it when they aren't looking. You don't want the press to think you're getting fat. Plus, who wants to consume extra calories?!

7.) In T1, hold press conference announcing that you are changing your name AGAIN from "Jenny from the Block" to "Jenny on the Bike."

8.)In T2, change from old spandex shorts to the terrycloth track suit for the run. Ridiculously large sunglasses will remain.

9.) Make sure your personal assistant is at a waterstop ready to spray Evian mist on your face. Sweating is unbecoming.

10.) Stop just short of the Finish Line so that hair/makeup can be reapplied in the chute. The photo ops are much more important than a good speedy time.

11.) After crossing the Finish Line, proclaim that you've never worked harder for anything in your life and then hold another press conference that you and Marc Anthony are signing up for an Ironman.

Do it...I dare ya.
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