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How to Cheat at Golf and Triathlon (Part 2)

Posted Sep 11 2008 2:03am

Sunset runner Editor's Note:This is part 2 of my series entitled "How to Cheat at Gold and Triathlon." To learn how to cheat at Golf you can click HERE.

There are basically three ways to cheat at triathlon in my opinion.

You'll note the prominent use of the world "opinion" in the sentence above. I have used this word to make it very clear that this is just one athlete's opinion because I'm about to piss off a lot of age-group athlete's.

So let me get to it by stating that in my "opinion" a lot of age-group athletes cheat.

But before I really get in trouble I'd like to discuss the three basic ways athletes cheat when it comes to race day.

Blatant Cheaters

There is a group of hardcore cheater athletes that will do whatever it takes to win their age-group, or get a Kona slot, or finish on the podium. These cheaters will poke their little weasel heads out of their cheating dens every-so-often like they did HERE and HERE.

From the two forum thread from above, I especially like this comment from the athlete who goes by rd2kona:

"I am a cyclist,runner, Ironman triathlete myself and follow the board. Experiment with dosages and see what works for you. I myself feel 250mg/week test e for 16 wks and 40mg tren a eod the last 6eks work wonders for my strength and don"t hurt endurance at all.

Yes, I do put on 15lbs or so on this cycle but the strength gained far out wieghs the wieght gain. Yes, V02 max suffers but that makes me work that much harder. I take last inj. 3 wks before my "A" race. this is key! About 2 wks after last inj. I start shedding the water. I'll drop 8-10lbs (water) in a few days. Amagine dropping 10lbs at the start line of your next race, I never felt so lite on my feet , you will fly.

Good luck, train hard and eat that protien! r2k"

Somehow I suspect that NBC and/or Ford will never feature mr. or mrs. rd2kona (or r2K for short) as one of their everyday hero athletes. But it would be fun to image that broadcast.

The setting: Kona. As the waves gently break across the lava beach, and the palm trees sway in the soft tropical beach we see a r2K proud and strong (muscles bulging and rippling) running along the beach.

Al Trautwig in his best sincere tone:"r2K had tried everything to make it to the World Championships here in Kona but tragically to no avail. That is until one day when r2K over heard a whisper in the gym that would forever change the way r2K trained.

It only took sixty days and sixteen small injections before r2K's life long Ironman dream would become a reality."

r2K in a quivering voice:"I never believed that I had it in me to make it so far in such a short amount of time. I especially thought my dreams of making it here were dashed when I gained 50 pounds of muscles in 5 days, and my VO2 max dropped like a rock. But after a week of diuretics, protien powder, and tanning beds I finally dropped enough wieght to qualify. By the way Al, how do you spell wieght and protien?"

Al Trautwig continues his voice over narration as the setting gently sun kisses the ocean:"It's not really about weight or protein but about the extreme bravery to stick a pointy needle in one's ass and for 16 weeks. Just Amagine that, or is it Image that," he comments with a look of confusion on his face as the sun and camera fades to black.

Of course there are easier ways to cheat. For instance this weekend at Ironman Wisconsin I really wondered if they had an underwater timing mat?

I doubt it very much.

The slow two loop swim can easy become a very fast one loop swim for the cheating athlete and the race organizers would never know it. All a determined athlete would have to do to have the best swim of their lives would be to swim a slow lap, wait for the lead pack to pass him or her, followed by a very fast 40 yards to the finish among the leaders. He or she could come out of the water in just about an hour and nobody would ever know.

Unfortunately, I believe that if I can figure this out standing on the side of the lake, a cheating athlete as determined as r2K can also figure it out the night before the big race.

The same tactic can be employed on the bike and run course. It would be a bit harder to cheat as athletes must cross multiple timing mats on both the bike and run course, but I suspect that if getting to Kona is your life's goal, the mats would be a small hurdle to overcome.

At this point you may be thinking that I'm overstating the problem. This is something that most people would never even consider doing because of the fear of getting caught.

Well how about if you are a former president of Mexico, a veteran of 36 marathons, and a cheater. Does this sound like somebody who would skip a part of a marathon for a fast time and age-group win?

That's exactly the story of Roberto Madrazo who was caught in 2007 blatantly cheating at the Berlin marathon.

The media reported that:

"Sporting a bright-red jacket, the 55-year-old politician was photographed with his arms aloft and beaming after he broke through the finish line in first place for his age group.

But race organizers later stripped him of the title after finding he did not run a 9 mile (15 km) stretch of the course. The saga has riveted Mexico for several days with Madrazo being widely ridiculed."

You can read all about it HERE.

If a former president is willing to risk international ridicule to win his age-group what would make you think that somebody much less famous would think twice about swimming only one loop?

But these are the real stories of the Blatant Cheaters who will do anything for a podium finish.

How about the more Subtle Cheaters who rarely get caught, but knowingly cheat to get ahead in a race.

Next week I continue with "How to Cheat at Golf Triathlon," with their stories and their techniques for denying us all a higher finishing slot.

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