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Cookie Monster Eyes

Posted Mar 18 2010 10:10pm
The other night, I swam with Chris.

We don’t usually swim together anymore. These days, he can lap me in a 200. During warm up. But today was a little different. We had to swim together out of necessity. In other words, no other lanes were available.

How many times has this happened to you. You walk into the gym to do a strength workout and notice – huh – no one is in the pool. But you walk into the gym to do a swim workout and notice – every lane is stacked with two swimmers who are splitting the lane. In the past, situations like this bought me more time in the hot tub pre-swim to talk to my husband about the things married couples talks about (baby baby baby baby). But since I cannot go in the hot tub, I found myself sitting on the edge of it growing impatient about waiting for a lane.

Finally, we say screw it and swim in the kiddie pool. 85 degrees of warm flavored water with floating noodles and kickboards scattered in every lane. But it would do.
Because Chris was going easy, I could keep up today. Then we did a kick set. I put on fins, he told me to even lead the lane. I felt like the former version of myself. It was only when I took off my fins that I remembered I was utterly pregnant. There should be law that no pregnant woman is allowed to dolphin kick without fins. I was going nowhere. How can you be doing the motions to move forward and stay in what feels like the same place – for 75 yards? How? Because I no longer have a core. I just have a baby sticking out.

We finish the warm up and then I catch Chris looking at me. All googly-eyed under his goggles.

What?

Your boobs are….

Huge, I know they are huge. I woke up today and they looked huger than yesterday.

True, they do. And I’ve been thinking a lot about boobs. Men, you may want to check out right about now. I was watching a movie the other day and it had a woman in it showing her boobs. I thought to myself – those are nice boobs. And that probably mine were the same size – but they do not look as nice. There is a fine line between nice boobs and pregnant boobs. Pregnant boobs are working boobs. Totally functional and NOT an accessory. Covered in blue veins and growing with a mind of their own.

Trust me: these are not the boobs you have been looking (hoping) for.

We get to the mainset and I hop into the next lane which has opened up. There is no need for me to be lapped today. That’s what masters is for. I get ready to send off when I say to Chris, ready and he says you go ahead on your own. Code for: it’s only a matter of time before I lap you so go ahead.

I go off on my own. At times I see Chris swimming next to me and think to myself – I will try to keep up, at least keep his feet in sight, at least stick with his bubbles. But there is no fooling myself. He’s moving at a pace that my mind moves at but my body is far behind these days.

We finish up the mainset when Chris says come here – he sticks out his hands.

Please do not touch me inappropriately, I request. It had to be said – because who knows what he was about to do. There was a swim lesson in the lane next to us and kids in the wading area. There are things they don’t need to see.

He touches my belly instead and says baby is swimming! He tells me I looked cute while breaststroking. Now, you’d think with the extra breast I’d be faster at breaststroking – not true. Slower.than.ever. I tell him thanks but I feel like I’m swimming through soup. As always he tells me not to worry about it. Just keep swimming.

After swimming I decide to lift weights. I realize how much longer everything takes me while pregnant. I swear it feels like I am moving in slow motion for everything. I have to sit down to tie my shoes! I finally am dressed and while brushing my hair in the mirror I see something:


I’ve got Cookie Monster Eyes.

Listen up: there are hazards to having bigger boobs. When they are small you don’t need to worry about this. But the bigger they grow, the more unruly they are. And if you don’t watch yourself you can have one pointing up, one pointing down, mispositioned in the jog bra along with what can only be described as a set of crazy going in two different direction Cookie Monster eyes.

Exhibit A: Refer to the eyes of the Cookie Monster.



Add to the list of things that take up extra time: I now need to adjust myself.

I am finally ready to go lift weights. There I am doing some cable crossovers when I realize that everyone who walks by is looking at me. A couple walks by, the guy turns around, a few steps later, turns around again, POINTS at me, his girl turns around and they keep walking.

I had a thought….am I fully dressed?

It wasn’t until I went into the weight room, surrounded by mirrored walls, that I realized why everyone was looking. It’s because I looked utterly pregnant and ridiculous. My big belly with protruding belly button was sticking out from under a white top. My shorts are almost to the point of not fitting. I looked totally out of place.

It could have been worse, though. I could have had Cookie Monster eyes.

The fit pregnant woman feels like an eye sore. Know what I mean? It’s not that your body makes you uncomfortable, it’s that everyone looking at your body makes you uncomfortable. Sometimes I forget I’m pregnant. It only takes the views of another person to remind me. Like the other day when I got out of the pool. I had just finished my swim in a mostly empty pool and it felt so good. Chris was in the lane next to me, finishing up a kick set when I got out. I stood on deck. He looked at me.

What? I swear he’s always looking at me or touching me. I realized this is a thing that husbands of pregnant woman do. You look at any picture of a pregnant woman with her husband and he’s touching her belly or kissing her. It’s a beautiful display of joy beyond words, each day is a celebration of we did this together.

I follow to where his eyes are sitting, to what seems like between my legs. My god he’s like the dirtiest man alive, isn’t he? WHAT is he looking at!? I try to look down there but realize….my stomach is in the way. I have crossed the line in pregnancy where my private parts are no longer in sight. I look down – nothing.

Is that chafing between your legs?

Why yes, yes it is. I chafed. I went running today and because my legs are now rubbing together, I lost some skin. Add to this another joy of pregnancy. Along with requiring GPS on my you know what to be sure it is still there.

The joys of pregnancy – they continue to multiply every day. You start by thinking the only thing that will change is your body – it gets bigger! But everything changes. EVERYTHING. My vision. My tastes. My skin. My hair. It’s like the only thing that has stayed the same is my mind. But experiencing life with all of these new things, from walking through a weight room to just putting on my shoes every day, well, the mind also goes through a change. You see things differently. You realize life has been pretty easy up until this point. I think nature makes your body so totally uncomfortable and awkward so you understand that full extent of the life change that is about to take place.

I would tell nature to take its best shot at me but I’ve learned you don’t mess with it. You let it run its course and anticipate much more chafing ahead. And backache. Another new bra size. The I know it’s only a matter of time before they get here cankles.

And, like it or not, many more incidents of Cookie Monster eyes (and by all means – please tell me if they are out of place!).

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