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Brain or Kidneys: A love story

Posted Nov 04 2009 10:01pm
Kind of a weird title to describe the two front battle I have every day with my life. The daily battle the last year and a half is keeping my kidneys and liver in proper working order. A lot of that has to do with keeping my head straight. Which is really my original problem.

A popular morning radio host came back today after 5 months of leave from a Traumatic Brain Injury he suffered in a car accident. I had to listen to this in private because even after so many years, my own brain injuries plague me daily. Everyone's TBI is different, some are lucky, others not. A bop on the head kills one person, and I was supposed to be a retarded 9 year old the rest of my life with a funny gait to my walk. Here I am.

Listening to people who are back from TBI is very moving to me. I remember it so clearly. Even with all the accomplishments I have had in my life, I think when I am most honest with myself is when I first proclaim I am a head injury victim. Even when I speak with command and authority in front of an audience of people, like I did today at a large meeting, in my mind I still hear my voice as a halting, hesitating, word altering, forgetful head injury person. So to hear that voice come back to me, on the radio today, or in passing in daily life, it affects me.

Not much causes me fear. But I am frightened to....of another head injury. The last one in October 2007 was a nothing hit and it took 3 months to get my life back on track. I have been constantly told that the more you have, the easier they become. I've had 13 open and closed head injuries. Am I on borrowed time?

Mistress is rightfully concerned about the kidney stuff and my solo training style but when it comes to my brain, she is defiant. I get no leeway here. She dreads the call that comes telling her I hit my head. And she's got a few of those in our time. So when it comes to protecting whatever gum and duct tape keeps my brain going, she is very concerned.

God. Its just so hard to even write this stuff. Why am I even going to post it? I am so full of conflicting emotions and thoughts. Half the time when I look in the mirror I feel like I am looking back at someone else. I see a positive, happy person on the outside with a smirk and easy laugh. On the inside I see a glassy eyed, open faced, shy, don't want to say anything because it won't come out right, guy whose gotten really lucky in life.

My kidneys and my body will eventually heal enough for a normal life if not a common one. My brain will never be right. I wish this radio host a good recovery. It takes a lot of balls to do what he is doing on the air. I am sure even now, I will learn something.

There's treasure everywhere.
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