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Health knowledge made personal
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Health knowledge made personal
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Hi Nirmala,
Your situation is one I think most people have been in at one time or another. I can certainly empathize with your dilemma. Most people feel a sense of obligation to "friends" like this and end up being angry at themselves for letting it go on for so long. Others have felt they just need to end the relationship and move on. In my life I have found "toxic" friends don't realize they are being toxic. They are to wrapped up in themselves to realize what they are doing to hurt others, including there close friends.
Try following these few steps to determine if the friend is worth keeping:
- Make a list of the things you "do" like about this person.
- Make a list things you "do not" like about this person.
- With the 2nd "do not" like list go through it and check off the ones that aren't so bad.
**Remember nobody is perfect and you have to cut people slack. We all do things that annoy others, it's part of what makes us individuals.
Once you have this information in front of you it is time to speak with your friend. I always found being direct is a good way to handle this. Relay in a calm manner that you are concerned about the way things have been going between the two of you. Tell him/her that you think it is important to your friendship that you discuss a few things.
Once you've "broken the ice" mention something from your "good" column first followed by saying something like this:
"I really appreciated the way you were there for me when my car broke down, it meant a lot to me. It's time like these where I really appreciate your friendship. However, lately I've felt some disconnect from you and I am concerned about the direction our friendship has taken. I was hurt when you forgot my birthday and when you didn't thank you for helping you out of that situation with your old landlord."
Use this moment to let it all out. Make sure you don't keep up your own defensive wall when he/she replies. Be open to what your friend has to say in response to you pointing out your dislikes. Some times the blame may lay upon yourself and tunnel vision has blocked out this possibility.
Once you mention these things to your friend give it some time to sink in. After a few days follow up with your friend and let them know how happy you are that you can talk in such an honest way with him/her. Within a few weeks you'll know whether or not "the talk" had its intended impact. If your friend isn't willing to change it may be time to just cut them off.
Good luck with your future relationships!
Cheers,
Markus
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Posted by Nirmala N.
You know the kind: they're persistently negative, narcisstic, forget the important details about your life, are unreliable to a fault, and you're the FIRST person they depend on to save them from their wretched existence. I have a friend who's like this but I have found that guilt has kept me holding on to the relationship longer than most sane people might. (That, and a shared history.) She thinks of me as one of her closest friends, but obviously, I don't feel the same way. That discrepancy is disturbing, but it also makes me feel bad for judging her. If anyone else has been in this situation before, how did you handle it? I'm not very good at "cutting off" people but I'd like to set some firmer boundaries.