I have heard that many a soldier comes back from war changed. How does he fit in anymore? He sure doesn’t feel like everyone else. He doesn’t feel like the same person. It can be this way for a survivor of child abuse also. You just don’t know where you fit or where you belong. You feel like a jagged puzzle piece that fits nowhere in the puzzle. You just don’t see the world like non-survivors. It is a dangerous world you cannot trust. You stand back and you are always on alert looking for the enemy that may surface at any moment. And in the aftermath of trauma and all its pain, some try to find a way out. Some turn to drugs, to alcohol, and even to end it all. A human being can only take so much and daily doses of memories of traumatic events can sap the strength of even the most powerful, skillful warrior.
Yes, a warrior. I believe that is such a great word for it also, just like survivor. For is it not a daily battle for sanity, moments of peace, and even at times for a precious, deep breath? Every moment you are a survivor, you are also a warrior fighting to continue to survive with wounds that run deep. You carry wounds that have stricken your spirit.
It is really so very strange to me that I think of a soldier of war when I think of the word survivor. Why? It is because my own abuser was a veteran of war. He was a wounded soul. Yes, I have a measure of pity for him and I wish his life had been different. Yet, at the same time, he didn’t have to ruin and shatter mine with his greed. Each day I keep breathing, relying on God and the great support I have around me, is a day of victory over my abuser. Each prayer, each sob, each scream within me is a moment of victory for Me because I am working to recover and reclaim Me.
No matter how many times I fall with grief and pain and bloody wounds, I must reach out to my support and get up again or I won’t survive.
I must fight for the screaming, crying child within me.
I must champion the helpless, innocent, victimized child in me – for would I not do so for any other child that cried out to me for help?
Even the moments I am overcome with grief and exhaustion and thoughts of quitting, if I am even just breathing then I am still fighting.
I will not let him win for I am a survivor and I am a warrior.
And I am not a lone warrior. I am not alone. Thank God I am not alone.