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PTSD Survivor’s Speak: Healing Nicole, Part 3

Posted May 12 2010 12:00am

This is the last of our 3 part series “Healing Nicole.” Last week Nicole was still obsessed with her ex but continued making positive nicole-smiling changes.  This week we see Nicole emerge victorious.

I took much needed time to talk with a mutual friend of ours. He told me something that wasn’t a surprise to me, but it finally went the 18-inch distance from my head to my heart, which sometimes seems galaxies away.  He told me that my ex and I were like heroin to each other. Indeed, we had an addictive relationship. He truly was a drug, and it occurred to me that, if I kept this addiction up, it would kill me as fast as any drug or alcohol would. I knew, by the end of the day, that it was time to let go. The light went on, and I made the final choice never to allow this man to rob me of another moment of my life. I wouldn’t email, call, or send instant messages to him again.

It also meant I had to cut ties with some people associated with him to insure I wasn’t told what I didn’t need to hear, or ask questions I needed not to ask. I deleted him from Instant Messenger, so I wouldn’t see his name, even. I leaned on the people in my life who were healthy.

As I did these things, something miraculous began to happen my feelings began to align with my choice. I never thought I’d be able to forgive him, or cope with him being with another woman. Today, I’m no longer obsessed with that. I’ve been able to forgive him, and release what I feel he owes me to God. I also have more clarity on what was my personal responsibility in the relationship, and what was not.

Today, parts of my heart I thought were dead because of him are coming back to life. I feel more love for the precious friends and family who supported me through this past two years. I’m enjoying love and laughter in a way that I haven’t experienced in years, if ever. I haven’t experienced a day of serious depression since. I believe God used these trials to heal other parts of me that needed healing as well. I feel like my heart has awakened from a long coma.

I also feel great about being self-supporting, and that I am no longer afraid to come home. I’m providing a safe home for my son and myself, without being at the mercy of someone else’s money or anger.

Leaving my abusive marriage was the greatest risk I’ve ever taken, because I was entering the unknown with very little. But today, I can say, it was worth it.  Today, because of what God helped me to do then, I’m willing to take more risks, and I feel stronger for it. When an emotionally tough situation arises, I’m able to tell myself that I’ve certainly been through worse.  

I couldn’t have recovered alone. I had a strong support team, which happens to include friends I’ve reconnected with that I had before I met my ex. These friends, just by their re-established presence in my life, have helped me re-discover those parts of me that were buried for years. They helped me tap into the laughter again.

I continue to educate myself (education was a vital part of my healing as well), on abusive relationships. Above all, I have a strong faith in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who carried me through what looked like the impossible. 

I finally got the breakthrough I’d been praying for just not the one I expected. Sometimes, the miracles you pray for aren’t what you expect. In my case, the miracle happened in me, and that was more than I could ask for.

Nicole is the mother of a 15-year-old son, and currently works as a freelance writer. She has plans to become a certified life coach in July. Since she began to heal from her divorce, her latest passion is to write about, speak about, and assist in the healing process she went through in the hope of reaching out to others. Nicole’s dream is to work with trauma survivors, especially those who have suffered from the long-lasting affects and traumatic bonds of domestic violence. She volunteers her services to Heal My PTSD, as well as the Jonestown Institute. She can be reached via email at , via Facebook at 
or on Twitter,

The ideas contained in this post solely represent the perspective of the author. To contribute to ‘Survivors Speak’ contact Michele .

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