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Friday five: Attrice’s rules for the gym

Posted Apr 18 2009 12:31am

When I am empress of the world (oh, it’s so gonna happen!), the following will be posted in any gym/fitness center/place of sweatyness. Punishment for breaking any of the rules will be death having to listen to “Dianetics” as read by Gilbert Godfrey until such time as you have learned your lesson.

1. Towels are for everyone’s benefit. Please use yours. I don’t consider myself particularly squeamish, but plopping down on someone else’s crotch sweat is just not okay.

2. Grunts and funny faces are an unfortunate part of lifting at times. Screaming, however, is never actually necessary. If olympic lifters can manage to break world records without shrieking, then I’m sure you can tone it down a bit.

3. Do not drape your towel over a piece of equipment and then go do something else for twenty minutes. You do not get ‘dibs’ at the gym. If you’re doing alternating sets, it’s fine, but a few minutes is the longest you should expect people to respect your prior claim.
3a. If you are doing alternating sets, you should do your utmost to schedule your workouts during slow periods in the gym or make sure you’re letting people work in with you.

4. Put up your weights. It is not anyone else’s job to move your weights. Honestly, I can think of very little that is dumber than lifting weights and then being too lazy to put said weights back in their proper place.

5. No one wants your advice. Yeah, you may know what you’re talking about or you may just love to read Flex magazine and, unless I know you, I don’t know which camp you’re in so shut the fuck up. When people want advice, they ask for it.

Honestly, I could probably write hundreds of rules, but it’s friday, very nice outside and I have the day off so I’ll spare you.

What rules would you put on the list?

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