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What is reality, anyway?

Posted May 29 2012 12:00am
"I haven't had Faith in Life  meaning Reality - whatever it is or happens. There is nothing to hold onto but reality."
                  ~Marilyn Monroe

So, I saw my psychiatrist for the last time today. He asked, "So are you a government employee?" I said, "Sometimes". And that pretty much sums it up. I am a CIA agent part of the time, at least in my reality. And other parts of the time, I'm just myself.


This does get tiring. I have to say that perhaps my life is more interesting from all the time I've spent thinking I was working for the government over the years, but at the same time, it does get very tiring. I also wasted a lot of my life like this. But then, "this", is happening right now as I write this. So I can't really talk about it like I'm past it.

I saw my therapist for half an hour today before I went to work. I told her it's hard to talk to people about this because I always think the person I'm talking to works for the CIA if I tell them. She reassured me she does not work for the CIA, although she said sometimes when she watches the X Files she wishes she did. I thought that was funny. But it's true; when I was talking to her I was really feeling like she was an undercover agent the entire time.

I don't know what has caused this to happen right now. That's part of the reason it's hard to believe it's not real. If it's all just part of my illness, then why doesn't this medication make it go away, when I'm on enough medication to kill ten elephants??

All day at work today, I've been sitting here thinking that I'm talking to operatives who are questioning me to secretly gain intelligence that I somehow have. This is how it goes. One person said "Russia". Another person said, "April". These were clues. Then some man called who totally sounded Russian. He told me he was an international student. I'm sure it this was all covert operations they wouldn't be so obvious about it that I would be consciously aware that this was happening, so that is one reason I am telling myself it's not real.

Not real. Not real. Not real.

I repeat this mantra over and over. Does anyone relate?

I tell myself, "It's just a thought". That's what my therapist said to do. Point out to myself, "It's just a thought. There goes that thought again. That thought was here before. I know what that thought is about."

But it is still happening.

I am on 50 mgs .of Risperdal Consta, IM and 120 mgs. of Latuda, not to mention Prozac, Klonopin, Ambien, Vistaril, Synthroid, Cytomel, Mothocarbomal (I forgot the company name for that drug, but regardless most stuff I take is generic), Omeprazole (I forgot the company name for that too), sometimes Naproxen for muscle pain, Amoxicillin (antibiotic for the fact that my immune system generally sucks), vitamin D prescription strength, Vitamin B-12 sublingual, multivitamin, Folic Acid, Melatonin, and sometimes cold medicine.

Like I said, enough medication to kill ten elephants. Perhaps even twenty.

C'est la vie.
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