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Toxic "friends"

Posted Aug 19 2013 12:00am
I am tired of toxic people.
I have this woman I've been friends with for years, but it is an unhealthy, codependent kind of friendship.
We really have nothing in common other than having mental illnesses, and even in that arena, we have little in common. She is diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I suspect she definitely has some personality disorder, like Borderline, but when people don't go to good treatment providers, then they don't always find out such things.

My friend hasn't worked in about 15 years. She believes that she will lose her Social Security benefits if she works at all. She is my mom's age; actually a little older than my mom. She has never been married. She has only a couple of close friends. And she lives alone with her cats.

After years of listening to her complain about being bored and depressed, I convinced her to do some volunteer work at an animal shelter. This didn't last long since it soon became too much work or too time-consuming to do it for 2 hours a month. So she quit bothering with that.

My friend is not more disabled than the average person with Bipolar Disorder. She just is convinced that the way to live is to do as little as possible, and not to put effort into anything. She's freakin' lazy. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. This woman is incredibly lazy. She gets mad at me when I want to go to a movie at 4:30 instead of 7:30 after I worked all day, because for her 7:30 PM is the morning, and that's when she will be up and taking a shower. So, you see, she tells me I am putting too much pressure on her to do things too early if I don't want to wait till 9 PM to go somewhere after I worked all day. She tells me, "You didn't give me enough advance notice to take a shower." I am wondering who needs advance notice to take a shower? I don't always shower. But if I don't shower, I also don't BLAME THAT FACT on another person. My friend blames me for it. She always seems to have someone to blame for something.

She has been in an out of abusive relationships with men all her life, and for the past  three years I have heard non-stop complaints, alternating with praises, for this one guy who likes her. She says she doesn't want a boyfriend, but she spends the night at the guy's house and let's him buy her dinner. Whatever. Way to confuse things. She wonders why the guy thinks he can act like he's her boyfriends when all he is to her is the guy who pays for her meals.

Whatever....I tried to get to get counseling for domestic violence, because she is a survivor of DV, and she obviously needs help in how to relate to men, but she would never seek such therapy. I gave her the name of the agency that does the counseling for free. When her father died, a couple years ago, I tried to get her to talk to a Hospice counselor. She never did that either. She does very little to be proactive in her recovery. She has no interest in NAMI because she would rather sit around in her pajamas feeling sorry for herself and talking on the phone for six hors to her sister (not an exaggeration) than go to a support group for mental illness.

I am tired of this friend. I am tired of her constant criticisms of me, disguised as "humor". I'm tired of the immaturity, the merry-go-round of repetitive chaos, and the disappointment in her inability to be a real friend to me and not just use me as a sounding board.

I'm tired of feeling guilty if I don't make plans to get together with her, and give her advance notice to what the plans are, and make sure it all works out, because she never will do any of that. But she will call me and bitch about how I did not do it.

I am tired of driving 45 minutes to my friend's apartment while she'll never drive to my place to go to a movie around here because she can't be made to go out of her way, but I can. I'm done with that. Done.

I need healthy friendships, and I do have a few of those. I don't need unhealthy ones, and this one is unhealthy for me.

Things hit the fan when I received two text messages she evidently meant to send to someone else - all about me, and how I didn't call her when I said I would, and how she supposedly called me (lies, she never called me) and left me all these messages and I didn't bother to get in touch with her (another lie). And this is how she talks about me behind my back? Self-pitying, narcissistic, immature, game-playing lies? I don't need that kind of shit in my life.
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