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This loneliness

Posted Apr 27 2013 12:00am
"This loneliness is just an exile from God."
-Anne Sexton

I read that quote of Sexton's years ago and never forgot it. I don't believe in God though. So as I said on Facebook today to no one who really had any reason to care, "I'm really screwed".

Speaking of Facebook, I have to say that I spend far too much time comparing my life to the lives of all those hundreds of people I'm friends with on there. I spend far too much time wishing I was the young woman who just had the baby (like a young woman I've known since she was 14 just did), or the cousin who's a lawyer, or the cousin who has three kids, or the accomplished writer, or whatever, whatever, whatever I'm not.

This tendency to compare myself especially hurts when I think about intimate relationships. I have very few friends who I know intimately, who I could say are my "close" friends. Very few. I have not had a romantic relationship of the normal variety (offline and actually real) since 2008. I haven't gone on a date with anyone in all these years, much less had anyone close other than the New Zealander who now treats me like I don't exist and doesn't respond to my emails (and hasn't talked to me in months).

This leads me to remembering the other guy, KH, who treated me this way. We were close online and on the phone and then, poof,, that was over, and he treated me like dirt. So I have a track record here and the only consistent thing in the equation is me. So I must be the problem.

The only serious relationship I've ever had was with Jim, who was a drug addict who verbally abused me.

That's it. That's the only one. It lasted about 3 years. We lived together part of that time. I tried anything and everything I could think of to be a "normal" girlfriend and to have a "normal" relationship with Jim (who I met in a mental hospital), and I would go so far as to make his breakfast, lunch and dinner for him. Stuff that I, as a feminist, would never do now, I would do back then because all I really wanted was an average relationship like everybody else seems to have. It didn't have to be spectacular, and it never was. But for a while it seemed normal. And then he left.

Jim leaving me was the only really nice thing I think Jim ever did for me. He left me heartbroken and lonely, but at least I wasn't trying to be that somebody I wasn't anymore.

Jim told me I was overweight, unattractive, too fat, etc., and that he would never marry me or have children with me. He was a real charmer. And I listened to all of that and took it all to heart.

I don't even think about dating now, because the first thing I ever think of when it comes to the opposite sex is how FAT I am....and that is all. Then you can change that to "fat and crazy" and it really makes you feel like a hot number.

I am so sure lots of intelligent, funny, attractive men are looking for a woman who is double the weight she should be and is also living with Schizophrenia. Yeah, I can hear them banging my door down right now.

So I gave up. After Jim, I gave up on men. and I came to terms with the fact that I'll probably never be a mother because I have no partner with whom to have a child.

A few months ago I got swept up in the giddy I'm-in-love-with-a-Kiwi thing, but then of course, poof, that wasn't real and he didn't have real feelings toward me.

Just more proof positive that I'll be alone forever. It seems etched in stone now. I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I will never have a partner to go through this life with.. And then I will die alone, after being lonely all my life.

Cheery thought, I know. I'm just being realistic.

I feel right now like I'm very alone. I have a few friends, but my family - since my mom discovered my blog again recently - is treating me like I'm an outcast. My mother says that my writing on this blog that I was sexually assaulted is something I should be "ashamed" of and I am "an embarrassment to the entire family", and, of course, she thinks those sexual assaults were all my fault.

So I'm not talking to her now. And I don't really care at the moment when I'll ever talk to her again,, because anybody who would say things like that is not someone I need to listen to.

But it is different, when you're used to talking to people regularly and then they drop out of your life. I guess I wish I knew what was wrong with me that made the New Zealander do that, and that made KH do that, and that made my old friends Christa and Sara and Ali and Tom do that. I guess I wish I knew how to maintain close friendships with more than two or three people.

But I don't know how. And at the moment I think I am such a loser, I've got no idea why anybody would care about me anyway.
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