Last night I went to see Natalie Merchant with my friend, Kathy. It was a great concert. She was so enchanting, amazing, and talented as always. I loved the 10,000 Maniacs when she was with them and I have loved her music throughout her solo career. It was a great show.
"The Letter" is a song I've always liked, but it has special meaning now. The New Zealander, A., who I was basically in love with as much as you can love someone you've never met in person, decided to inform me the other day that some time in the last I-don't-know-how-many-months he moved back in with his ex-girlfriend. This was a few minutes after I was looking up airfare to New Zealand when he told me this.
Because, I had this whole plan of how I could take out an extra student loan and use all my available funds to go visit him this summer. I thought about how great it would be to meet him, and hug him and kiss him in person, and talk to him face-to-face. I thought how we were so close on Skype and the phone, that in person it would be a million times better, and that we might fall in love for sure, and I even thought, as he brought up once in the very beginning of our "relationship", of marrying him, and becoming an honorary "New Zealander".
But those thoughts were obviously all shot to hell when he told me he was living with his "ex-girlfriend", so they can raise their son together, and that they have "separate bedrooms". It was really bizarre to me that he said he would still like me to come visit him even though he was living in her house. What? I'm sure that this woman, who, if the story he told me is true, is wheelchair-bound, does not appreciate her "friend" who lives with her inviting some woman from the U.S. to stay in her house. Of course when I said that, he said, "well, I'm sure we could work something out...." and I realized that even he knew how ludicrous this sounded.
You don't move back in with your ex if you don't have romantic feelings for them. I can see you doing this if you're really broke, and you're totally uninterested in anyone else, but that was not the storyline that I was being given. He was telling me all the time that he was attracted to me. He stopped telling me he loved me though, which should have been a pretty obvious clue. If you tell someone you love them and they don't say it back to you, that is a big hint that something is not right with the picture.
The stupid thing is, I wanted to believe all the nice things he said, the compliments he gave me and everything, and I wanted to think I actually mattered to him, but it's quite obvious now that this was not the case. He was lying to me, He told me he hadn't mentioned having been living with his ex-girlfriend because he didn't want me to cut off contact with him. Well, that is exactly what I had to do now, for my own sanity's sake. I might have low self esteem, but I am not going to grovel to the extent that this guy evidently expected me to.
I am now incredibly depressed. Life seems totally pointless and devoid of meaning and purpose. I am totally alone in it all, with no one who understands. But I'll go on. Tomorrow is, of course, yet another day.