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the end of the short term boyfriend relationship

Posted Feb 11 2013 12:00am
I just broke up with boyfriend of three weeks. He didn't really seem like my boyfriend, in that I never met him in person, but we talked on the phone every day and he sent me texts all the time. I met him on Facebook on a support group for people with Schizoaffective Disorder. I wasn't looking to meet anybody. In retrospect, I should have stuck to my initial suspicion that this was a bad idea, to start talking to him every day. I can't say I don't want to date someone with my illness - obviously, I myself have this illness, in all its glory, and I can hardly discriminate against people who have it! But this person was not taking his medication as prescribed and was having active delusions that he was Jesus. He was also telling me about violent incidents he got into where he instigated fights with people and then they "attacked" and "battered" him, as recently as yesterday. I feel truly bad for this guy, because he seems to know that he is ill and yet not realize properly taking his medication could help him immensely and talking to his treatment providers about thinking he's Jesus just might be a good idea. But I can't save anyone. I started thinking I could "help" him (always a bad sign with me), and so I became willing to take all his phone calls, even the ones I had no time for, and respond to all his texts, and sit on the phone with him while he watched TV and didn't even talk to me. He would call me "babe" and talk about me as if I was his "woman", and I guess part of me liked feeling like I mattered to someone, like someone thought I was attractive enough to talk to me that way.

But then the more he told me about his incidents of getting into fights with people, and especially an incident of pushing his girlfriend years ago and knocking her down, and another incident of hitting his mother (because she hit him first, so he thinks this was okay), I realized that there were too many red flags for me to ever want to really be involved with him, and I was not going to really want to go and meet him alone where he lives in a mobile home 3-4 hours from where I live. I was supposed to go meet him next weekend.

Then tonight I told him I had to study, because I am really behind in my Spanish class, and I have a test in a couple days which I won't pass at all, if I don't spend all my time studying until then, whenever I have free time. He said "so what time can you call me tonight?" I explained I wasn't calling him tonight. He sent me continuous text messages asking me when I was going to take a break and call him and why couldn't I call him and watch TV with him, and when was I going to stop studying, and then, of course, came the, "Do you even have time in your life for me or not?" I said, he was being so demanding of my time that if he expected this much out of me, then no, I don't have time, because I don't have as much free time as he expects me to have for him. He wrote back (I refused to get on the phone with him because it would never end), that "I come before everything else in your life and if that's not the way it is going to be then this is not for me." I wrote back and said, "This is not for me". Obviously, no guy I met on Facebook and have talked to for all of three weeks comes before everything else in my life. Number one, in my life, comes MYSELF.  After that comes my family. Then my friends. Then my schooling, my job, NAMI, the National Organiation for Women and feminist activism, writing this blog, my cats, politics, social issues, Facebook, and then maybe a boyfriend.

If a boyfriend thinks he is going to come first, then I guess there isn't going to be a boyfriend, particularly not a psychotic boyfriend who gets into violent confrontations with people and considers me "his woman".
So that, basically, was the end of that. I'm just glad things didn't get further along with him before I realized what a bad situation I was in.

The last thing I need in my life is as controlling guy trying to keep tabs on me all the time and tell me what to do with my time and my life. No thanks.
"You are too controlling for me," I said, and "I am a feminist".

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